what's radder than this?

requisite new year post

2012-01-05T10:46:00.001-07:00

I forget I have a blog, sometimes. I mean, until opportunities to post something actually present themselves. Like right now. Having some software issues at the ol' job that I can't get around. What better to do than write up a New Year's/recap of previous year blog post, then?

We all know that 2011 fucking sucked in general. Everything that could've gone wrong went wrong. The dog was sick with 5 different ailments back to back, and that left me in the lurch financially. I applied and interviewed for a job that I really wanted and was kind of banking on...only to get passed over after all was said and done. My reclassification at my current job didn't go through AGAIN, so I am trapped in my salary bracket for another year. And all the personal bullshit that happened. I don't want to air it all on here, because most of you already know since we're friends in real life. A lot of stuff went down that really got fucked up and did a number on me. I had my heart broken, and even broke a heart or two. It wasn't pretty.

And then? And then, December happened. It was the month when I finally threw down and said "You know what? Fuck it. Life is too short to have this entire year be shitty." I did away with all of the negative people who were dragging me down. I made friends with a ton of new and fantastic people. Had first kisses with new people. I went on 3-day benders. On dates. On moonlit walks through the snow. To a cute boy's work Christmas party. I saw some good shows. I smiled so much I thought my face might break. December was fucking magical. Yeah, I said that. But it was. And the icing on the cake was that my midnight kiss on New Year's Eve was pretty much the perfect kiss, with the exact boy that I wanted it to be with. It doesn't really get better than that.

So, 2012. What do I have planned? Well...lots. I'll put it in list form, because that's what I like to do.

1) I've decided to not cover up the bro tat on my ankle, but work around it. The more I thought about it, the more I realized I'd like to have it there as a reminder. We all need reminders sometimes. Also, I've decided the ankle tattoo isn't the first one I'm going to get done. I'm going to get the horseshoe on my forearm to remind myself that I'm pretty goddamned lucky in a lot of ways. I'm planning to get at least half of my planned tattoos this year. Finally.

2) With the help of the most adorable boy on the planet, I'm buying a van. I know. I probably don't really need a second vehicle. But this is something I've been sitting on for quite sometime, and there's no better time than right now to do it. The boy is good with mechanical stuff, hence why I'm enlisting his help (so I spend my money well, and to help with anything that needs replacing/rebuilding). My plan for the van is for it to be my summer vehicle. Lots of camping in BC. I can't wait.

3) I'm picking up a part-time job. I held off on it for awhile, but I need the extra cash now with all the upcoming tattoos and the van. Plus, it will help me maintain my social life without going broke all the time. I'm a month behind on some of my bills right now, so I've gotta fix that.

4) I am not going to pretend to not be a dirtbag hippie anymore. I've spent too much time trying to be something I'm not, and I've grown weary of it. I'm not going to sweat the small stuff, like certain people not being down with me. I know that not everyone on Earth is going to like me, but whatever. I'm rad. And if they can't see that/accept that? Their loss. One thing that happened at the tail end of last year is that I met my nemesis. It means I'll have to watch my back this year. The thing is? I can handle it. The key to beating girls like that is not joining them, but constantly being more awesome than they are.

5) I will phase out all the bad/negative people in my life. This should be easy, since I kind of did the bulk of that last year. But there are a few stragglers that I haven't really had the chance to deal with yet. I don't want to be surrounded by people who bring negative energy into my life anymore. It's polluted my mindset, and caused infinite amounts of bullshit. It's not worth it, and I'm fucking tired of being bogged down by people who refuse to see the silver lining. Sometimes it may seem like everything sucks, but a lot of the time things suck because you're not doing enough to fix what's wrong or broken. That's really all there is to it. There's no secret. Happiness is something you have to work at and build...if you're too lazy or complacent for that, then I really don't have the time to deal with you anymore.

And...uh...that's kind of it. Hope your 2012 is off to a fantastic start.

xo

pretty smart

2011-11-09T11:08:00.000-07:00

What can I say... a lot of heavy stuff has gone down since I last posted. Won't go into detail, 'cause that's not my style. It's always pretty humbling when shit gets real, let me tell ya... so I'm just thankful to have some really fantastic people around me to stop me from hitting the ground too hard.

Anyway. This isn't going to be a long, meandering post like some of the previous ones. Just a little 'to the point story'.

I used to be friends with this girl when I was a kid. She was my childhood best friend, and we were best friends until we were around 24. She always used to say we were pretty much the same person, except that she was 'the smart one' and I was 'the pretty one'. That didn't really bother me for a long time, because I figured there were much worse things than being pretty. She would always interject with it, too, whenever we were out somewhere and introducing ourselves to new people. I let it go on for years, and never questioned it. Until the day when we weren't friends anymore. Over the years, she trivialized and abused our friendship, and I was stupidly and loyally happy to oblige. I am not a patient person by any means, but back then I thought that friendship was the be all end all. And you know what, it still is to me... but only with the right people. With the wrong people, it's poison. With the wrong people, it steals your soul and breaks you. This girl did that to me- slept with my boyfriends, said terrible things about me behind my back, more than once threw me to the fucking lions so she could save herself. It could have tainted my view on friendship, but instead it left me with a realization. The reason she treated me so badly and always dismissed me as 'the pretty one'? She was always jealous that I was both things. The smart AND pretty one. She couldn't be both, so she turned it against me.

Lesson...don't surround yourself with bullshit people like that. It isn't worth your time. Just be you. When you're surrounded by quality people, they will accept you as you are, and they will never use any of it to try to drag you down.

get up in the morning, give it your all

2011-10-31T09:47:00.002-06:00

Basically, in 2009 and 2010 I was the worst friend ever. No, really, I was. But you know that. You were probably ditched or bailed on by me on various occasions, and to be honest, I didn't have a good excuse or reason. I was just being shitty.

This year, though, I've really been trying to get over myself finally. I kind of thought I had gotten over myself a couple years ago... but that was sort of bullshit. It's tough, for sure. Still, I'm getting a little better about not bailing on people. I have a hard time making and sticking to plans because I've never not been spontaneous... but I'm definitely getting better at it.

I spent the bulk of 2009-2010 hating being in this city. At that point, I really wanted out. For like the 254796th time. What I came to realize at the start of this year is that it wasn't the city I hated- it was the direction my life had taken. You know that saying 'Not all who wander are lost'? It's true sometimes, but not for me. I was lost. Somewhere along the way, I turned into someone unfamiliar. My family, of course, was ecstatic because they don't understand who I am... they just figured I was becoming responsible, and getting my shit together. But I looked at myself in the mirror on the daily and was like, 'How the fuck did I even get here?'. And suddenly, I realized that I couldn't do it anymore. I can't do it anymore. I've dedicated a large chunk of my life to trying to keep everyone around me happy. I can't escape that; it's in my framework, much the way other things like loving difficult people, and having commitment issues are. But now, more than ever, I realize that you can't please everyone all the time. It just isn't possible. And when you focus too much on that, you lose the real focus which is yourself. I mean, do I love my family? Hells yeah. But I'm so done with trying to be the kind of person that they want me to be. As much as I want to be sorry about how much of a disappointment it must be to them, I'm not. Do I regret pretending for so long? Yeah, for sure. But even though there's now a lot of uncertainty about the direction my life will take in the next couple of years, I'm starting to feel like myself again for the first time in a long time. I can totally look in the mirror now and not see a complete stranger staring back.

The most obvious sign of it is that recently I've been a hell of a lot more appreciative of my friends. Spending time with them instead of pretending I have something better to do with my time, but in reality just sitting alone in my apartment watching shit TV, and feeling sorry for myself. In particular, the friends who have seen me through the last half decade... because it's been a motherfucking journey and a half. You guys have always been the least judgemental of me, and I have been pretty terrible to you at times. But you've always known that I'm better than that, and I guess what I'm saying is that your belief in me has really helped me to transcend all of the bullshit and actually believe in myself again.

So yeah... 2011 has proven to be a rough year on many counts, and if I'm being honest, because of it a lot of shit is sort of hanging in the balance. But that's actually more of a blessing than a curse. It's up to me to take it to the next level, deal with my shit, and just be me from here on out. A better me. The best me, even. Thanks for hanging in there with me, guys. I'm more fucking grateful for that than you'll ever know.

xo

black sheep

2011-10-25T10:16:00.001-06:00

No big secret, I've always been the black sheep of the family. I grew up in this bizarre, upper middle class, well-rounded sort of way that always fit me awkwardly. I've generally gone through life trying to make everybody around me happy, trying to somehow make my family proud of me. But they've never been proud of me, as I usually fuck up everything I do. Even now that I have a well-paying 'career' (albeit, one that I've grown to dislike), they STILL aren't proud of me. They never asked me anything about my job back in the years when I actually enjoyed doing it, and now that I'm actively looking for something else, they tell me that I'm not seeing the big picture, and that I shouldn't be so ungrateful because not everybody gets 'handed' a career.

Sigh... okay, so here's the big thing I've been sitting on for years, and pretty much the only thing I have lied about to all of you... I didn't really fucking finish university.

o_0

Um... yeah. I've been fucking lying about it this whole time, and I feel like such a goddamned fraud.

Got a lot of the way through... but ended up dropping out because I was a really screwed up person at the time, and also a raging alcoholic. I really apologize that you guys need to read about this on the internet, because I should have just levelled with you to begin with. If I lose your respect and friendship, I deserve and accept it. I won't ask for your forgiveness... I'll just move on with the life I may have now just destroyed via my stupid blog.

I did finish a broadcasting diploma, but I let too much time slide between the point I graduated to the point where I should have been trying to look for work... and now, 10 years later, I am no longer employable in the industry.

I'm just one of those people for whom the world is a really big place, and the thought of getting tied down to any one thing for the rest of my life scares the hell out of me. For all I've tried to meet the expectations that everyone has of me, I can't. I know I'm supposed to want the sort of life where I live in this big house, and marry an engineer (or something equally as mundane), and have kids, and I don't have to worry about how the bills are going to get paid, and everything is awesome... but I don't want that. The closer it's seemed to get, the more I want absolutely nothing to do with it. And I mean no disrespect to those of you I know who do want that; I think it's a good way of life... for someone else.

I'm not happy unless I can do as I please. I'd like to start drawing again. Play more music. Listen to more music. Start my own shitty business. Drink with my friends (the ones I have left after this fucking rant). Dress up only when I feel like it. Get all those tattoos that I've been saving up for. Go back to Hawaii. Go to other places I haven't been yet. Go to those places with someone who hasn't been to them either. Go back to school. Learn how to do more things. Keep learning how to do things. Just keep being me. The real me.

One of the most fantastic people I have ever known- fantastic for the reason of having stuck it out as my friend for the past 5 years, and never having judged me even through the times when I was a horrible person to him- recently said something to me that I've really taken to heart:

"People say to never regret anything, but I say to use regrets as a focus to change the things you want to change... if you do that, it can spur you to do things you never would have done instead of always beating yourself up about the stuff you never did."

Best advice ever. From one black sheep to another. I could waste the rest of my life worrying about what you all think about me now... but I'm not going to. I have a lot of shit to figure out, a lot of my life left to live.

I'll see you out there... because there's no way in hell I'm staying in here forever.

xo

the best things are like the best things ever

2011-10-24T09:27:00.001-06:00

What up, blog readers (so, all five of you)? So, basically, I kinda hate using the word 'epic' (and even so, I find I use it way too much for stuff that actually is not), but today is the Monday after what I'd call an 'epic' weekend. In the past decade or so, I've struggled a lot with trying to be what I consider an 'adult-type person', but also with not losing my true self in the process. Every year, I make this huge declaration about wanting to move somewhere else (and a couple of times I actually have left), because 'Calgary sucks', and I 'just can't make this place my home, no matter how hard I try'.

Well, Calgary FINALLY fucking showed my ass what's what.

Friday, I had one of the best nights out in recent history. Drunken good times at the Ship with good pals, random pizza, lots of gin and tonics, shooters, a punk rock show, late night eats at the crack Sev, crashing on a friend's couch, and then a delicious almond croissant on the walk to my car. Whoa. Can't believe this 34-year-old body held on until 2:30 in the AM.

Saturday was a day of good eats and amazing surprises. Lunch with some old friends. Then dinner, which turned out to be WEDDING BOMB! That's right, dinner was in fact the surprise wedding of my good friends. And I second-guessed myself, so instead of dressing to the nines, I looked like I was going to a metal show (whoops). I introduced those kids a few years ago, and I am so stoked that they are now fucking married. You see, I really AM here to help. I love you guys- so glad I was there... even though I looked like a total banger. Two out of three, though, right? ;) I wish you guys nothing but the best; you deserve no less than that.

Early Sunday morning phone call from The Dirtbag. That kid NEVER phones me... turns out he and my bff had a drunken heart to heart (cool, by the way... I love my friends so much), and I think he's starting to realize the error of his ways. Normally, I'd be super pissed about a 1:30 in the morning phone call... particularly if I'm not still out and about. But then he gave this awkward little drunken speech, "Was talking to your friend about you... so I was thinking about you... and so I thought I would call you and tell you that...", and if that didn't sort of melt my goddamned heart. Ha. I guess there's just something about getting validation, no matter how it comes about. Oh man, life...

Sometimes the best things are right in front of you, and have been there all along. YYC, sorry it took me so long to see it. I think I kind of love it here after all, and I'm not ready to call it quits on you just yet.

xo

bros before hos

2011-10-20T10:29:00.001-06:00

First order of bidniz... yeah, I am getting rid of the *infamous* bro tat. For realsies. I'm waiting a couple paycheques, a car tuneup, and one mortgage payment more, then going in for a consult at Deadly Tattoos to figure out what's gonna cover that bitch up. For those who don't know, that stupid little Chinese character on my ankle (it means either 'ginger beef' or 'fuck you in Chinese' depending on the day or what mood I'm in) was acquired when I was eighteen with my BFF at the time (named Cam). I think we just did it because we were bored, but it seemed 'symbolic' or whatever. We did stay friends for a long time, but in more recent years he just kind of disappeared from my life. Sometimes I see him around still, but we really aren't friends anymore, and haven't been for some amount of time. I think I hung on to the tat not because of the whole 'bro' thing, but because what it actually is supposed to mean (and probably doesn't actually, but when you're eighteen, who's keeping track?) is 'strength'. Anybody who knows anything KNOWS I went through some major shit in my twenties. I had a lot of stuff happen, and I guess that any time something started to get really fucked up, I would look at my ankle and think, 'Oh yeah. Strength. Right.', and slowly things would start to sort themselves out.

But I'm ready to get rid of it because now it's just some old faded symbol of things I can't change. So it's time to focus on the things I still have left to do. Yeah... so bye bye, bro tat. It's been... well, it's been.

********************************************************

Secondly? Let's talk jobs. I used to like my job. You know, when it was fresh and new, and I still had a lot to learn, and they were more than willing to pay for work training and so on, so forth. But now, I've been here probably half a decade too long, and other than that I am currently completely reliant on the paycheque it provides, it is no longer a place I wish to be every morning of my godforsaken life.

Maybe the most fucked thing is that whenever I ask anybody for job leads, they always go back to the same old same old. Some shitty desk job where I'd be doing the exact same thing as I'm doing now. And honestly? I need a break from this. I was talking to some people the other day about the fact that I come from a family where they kind of expect me to have some respectable white collar job... but you know what the most rewarding work I ever did was? Manual labor. Not a word of a lie. I used to install lawns (and golf greens, etc.) for a living. I'd get up at the ass crack of dawn, drive my crappy old Chevy boat down to the yard, then jump into crew cab to drive off to the job site of the day. And I'd usually pull 12 hour days, at least. Dirty work, too, not the type of job you'd necessarily want to do if you can't stand being hands and knees down in the mud all day, every day. At the basis of all of this, I guess I'm just a lot more blue collar than I've been led to believe that I supposed to be. The point is, I actually sort of liked that job because at least by the time I got home, showered up, and cracked that first beer, I felt I'd earned it.

Right now? Fuck... I'm writing a blog post. I've earned nothing. I don't even deserve that shitty can of Black Label that's in the very back of the fridge. I sit in my corner office, and I'm lucky if half the time anybody even remembers I'm here. What I always get from people is the same garbage, "Isn't it awesome to get paid to do nothing?". Mmmkay... no. No it isn't. It sucks because I feel like such a fraud. I don't feel like I'm headed anywhere in particular, and because of that I hate getting up in the morning (okay, so I always hate that... not a morning person).

Do I necessarily know what I want to do? No... but I'm pretty damned intuitive, and when the right opportunity rears its head, I will know.

life is war, but we're gonna make it

2011-10-17T09:59:00.000-06:00

What else... a list.

1) While I used to be pretty envious of people with an obvious destination in life, I've just come to accept that I don't really have one. I don't have a two year plan. Or a five year plan. Or any plan (well, except for stuff I've already paid for which technically is planning... but I'll let that slide) for that matter. It's like everytime I try to make actual plans, I'm the one who ends up bailing. Commitment issues. Or maybe I just like to see where the night, or moment, or life takes me.

2) Haha... has anyone else noticed that I'm really not in that great shape anymore? I don't know what happened, exactly. Well, no, not true. After the last time I ran, my knee felt weird... and now if I go for long runs it hurts and I have to stop. So, no half marathons in my future for now. Instead, I've taken up playing soccer for the winter. Indoors.

3) So, I had this conversation with someone recently (was it you? I don't remember who with... too much beer) about whether or not I believe in god. The way I see it... I don't really know. If there is a god (yeah, no capitals here, people... that's just fucking asking for it), then he/she/it/whatever doesn't really do anything.I think there was a god in the beginning, but now it's just us, here to fend for ourselves and make the choices that we're gonna make. We're on our own, really. It's up to us if we're going to make it or not.

4) I sold out and got an iPhone. Don't fucking judge me... I'll high five you in the face with a shovel.

5) WTF... I have Warrant on my iPod? I'm like the biggest skid I know. I don't know what's worse, though, that or the fact that there's Justin Fucking Timberlake in there too.

6) Funny part of my weekend: getting random hangout texts from my friend, then he totally passes out on his phone. Out and out, I know the best people in life. In. Life.

7) It's almost sock weather. Nooooooo.

the world has turned and left me here

2011-10-05T10:51:00.000-06:00

Sometimes you just run out of everything.

Sleep. Food. Clean clothes. Steam. Patience. Time.

Life's a little hectic right now. A lot of stuff has happened in the last few months, and I'm kind of just waiting for it to slow down. Or stop. Or something.
I feel like I'm in my head about a lot of things, but also sort of all over the place. I'm trying to keep everybody in my life as happy as I possibly can, but I'm spreading myself pretty thin doing it. I sleep too much. I sleep too little. I drink too much coffee. I drink too much alcohol. I wake up late. I wake up in the middle of the night. I make commitments I don't know how to keep. I make choices that complicate things. I over-analyze everything. I don't analyze things enough. I'm too good of a friend. I'm a terrible friend. I'm too intense. I'm too distant. I say all the wrong things. I come on too strong. I'm not decisive enough.

And I'm starting to run on fumes. I'm tired of trying to be everything to everyone and failing. I can only be who I am, whether or not every single person in my life is happy with who that is. I've spent the last ten fucking years of my life doing all that I can to try and become what I thought I wanted to become, only to realize this year that I've been very, very wrong about it. I don't want to sit around at a job that doesn't satisfy me just for a paycheque that doesn't even make me that happy anymore. I just want to get out there and have a fantastic life. I know. That's it. Underwhelming, considering that a full decade has gone by. And I realize that the revelation is probably a huge letdown to a lot of people. What can I say? I want to say I'm sorry that I couldn't live up to what all you guys wanted for me... but the thing is that I'm not really sorry at all. Not about not wanting this so-called life I've created for myself. I am, however, sorry about a myriad of other things.

I'm sorry I haven't been a better friend to those who have stuck by me over the years.

I'm sorry for making knee-jerk decisions that have hurt people that I love.

I'm sorry for acting like I've had better things to do with my time when I really haven't.

I'm sorry for leading you astray.

I'm sorry for leading you on.

I'm sorry for not loving you enough.

I'm sorry for loving you too much.

Basically, what you are looking at now is the bare bones of what I am and what I'm going to become. All that's left. But what's left is what's still good about me. I didn't like the kind of person I was becoming, but now I don't have to become that person anymore. I haven't felt this free in a long time.

true story

2011-10-04T10:56:00.000-06:00

I chose you because I want to keep feeling fucked up, and crazy, and out of control, and completely overwhelmed about you for as long as I possibly can.

dirtbag life

2011-10-03T10:49:00.001-06:00

Ah, blog. How I've missed you. I know I don't update this thing much, but every once in awhile I have something to say that no one gives a shit about, so it's always good to have.

Lately, I'm kind of a train wreck. I'm saying this in comparison to last year, when I was at my best. This year started off okay, but it's been a shaky one for sure. Particularly throughout the summer. I've been trying to stay in shape, but recently I think my weight loss may have more to do with not eating properly and binge alcoholism than actually training for anything. I still run, but not seriously. In fact, I'm in my own head about a ton of things these days, and it comes across as that I'm a little all over the place right now; erratic and non-committal.

One good thing is that I'm definitely forging stronger relationships with certain people- being a little better at not falling off the face of the Earth for long periods of time and not telling anyone where I've gone. I'm also taking the time to evaluate the role of certain others in my life- people who I might be ready to move on from. But I think the major shift in me of late has more to do with the realization that I may be getting too comfortable, too settled into a routine. And even though it may seem to everyone like that's a good thing... I see it more as that I'm starting to lose who I am. And I'm aware that that's what is truly at the heart of all of this 'running rad in the streets' business that has been going on with me over the past little while. You'd assume that with everybody settling down around me it would seem logical for me to do the same... and hell yeah, it might be nice to settle down someday, but I've given it a lot of serious thought over the past week or so, and there's just something deep down that tells me it is not the time... so it seems that I've got some hard choices to make. This all sounds so melodramatic, but I've got to make sure that I don't let the person I truly am slip away in the interest of making everybody else around me happy. Because that would be easy, but you can't please everyone all the time.

It's weird how one conversation can change everything so drastically. A couple of months ago I sort of thought I knew what I wanted... and then just a little over a week ago, it all came unravelled in one night. Sometimes you make the strongest connections with the most unexpected people. People who make you take a better look around. And I guess that I'm just not ready to give up my dirtbag ways. I'll never be ready to conform to the masses. I'm the kind of girl who just wants what she wants, when she wants it. I can't be bought, told, coaxed, or convinced. I won't always make the best choices. In fact, I know I still have a lot of fucking up to do... but it's not a bad thing. It's what keeps my heart beating.

we'll know where we are when we get there.

2011-09-06T15:26:00.000-06:00

Stuff.

a) I bought a vacuum cleaner. Sure, it's probably a hell of a lot crappier than I can actually afford, but let's be honest here, I just need something to suck up all the dog fur that isn't a hand-vac. Do you know how long that takes even in an apartment of relatively small square footage? Like, a million years. Don't worry, though, I balanced my adult-type decision out with a few unnecessary purchases at ye olde community health food store.

b) Sometimes I read through ages old journals and realize what a truly fucked person I was. Not that I'm a super fantastic person currently, but I'm probably much closer to being Jesus now than I was in my 20s. It's been years and years since I've blackmailed anybody... I must be doing something right.

c) The boys who cheated on their girlfriends with me throughout the years were always way hotter than the ones who were actually my boyfriends.

d) It's funny that certain people are pretty much my best friends ever on Earth as long as we don't live in the same city... but then when we do? Not even an email requesting a random hangout. What the fuck? I'm starting to see some serious 'friends off' happening in the near future.

e) I think I might be having a midlife crisis about work versus school. I'm actually considering putting the condo on the market and taking a leave of absence from my job to go back to school full time so that I can become something really awesome in my 40s. This is probably a really horrible idea.

f) I need to join a gym.

g) A lot of people say that YYZ is really alienating, but I disagree. I feel more alienated and alone in YYC. Why no love for me, YYC? It's like you want me to leave.

h) There is no h). This blog post is all propaganda, anyway.

xo

2011-08-22T09:08:00.002-06:00

July 18th, 1950 - August 22nd, 2011

There are no words. This man took the NDP (my political affiliation of choice) to heights I never imagined achievable. He will be missed terribly not only in politics, but Canada in general. Godspeed, Jack.

blah blah this that blah blah is this thing even on?

2011-08-12T13:30:00.003-06:00

Yeah, so I pretty much never post here anymore. I don't care; it's my blog, and I will post here (or not post here) whenever the fuck I feel like it. Too much time between posts = I am busy or there just isn't anything really worthwhile to post about.

But today I would like to go on a tiny little rant about something. And that thing is people who fake stupidity/naivete to get people to feel sorry for them, resulting in them getting something they want. Here's how it is... 19-year-old me would've been all over that. Like, hard core all over that. I mean, what's better than people just handing shit to you on a gilded fucking platter, even if it's a total pity party?

34-year-old me? I just think it's wrong. And by wrong, I mean wrong enough to rat those lousy folks out to someone. Okay, so if it's someone who I've confirmed is truly dumb (or truly lives under a goddamned rock), then whatevs. I can live with it because those types of peeps need a leg up sometimes or they're just gonna get hit by a bus for nothing. But I'm pretty observant. Make that very observant. I'm the kind of gal who just quietly takes everything in under the pretence of not noticing, but then forms very strong judgements based on those observations. You do NOT want to get on the bad side of someone like me. But that aside, I notice when people are just pretending not to know what's what, and I notice when they use this particular tactic to take advantage of others. For example, people who pretend to be way more ESL than they actually are, thus, getting people to help them with things (read: actually do the work for them) more than is truly required. WTF is that? I know I'm going to hell when I die... but apparently so are you.

I don't know where I meant to go with this other than STOP DOING THIS. It does not go unnoticed. And just because I haven't done it yet does not mean you are safe from me NARCing you out at some point. Because I WILL do it.

That's the end of my rant. True story.

the one that got away, post v-day edition.

2011-02-15T09:07:00.004-07:00

Yeah, yeah, I should have posted this yesterday, but I was way too busy being single and awesome. Get over it. And just how did I spend my February 14th? Watching 'Terminator' and drinking hipster beer. What? I'm only pretentious about movies and beer when I'm in the presence of others. On my own, I am way less particular.

For the most part I've never been big into these pre-fab 'holidays', but I am certainly not against people celebrating them in the least; it just isn't really my cup of tea. Typically my Valentine's Days have been marred by the following: being in a terrible relationship, being just recently single, being hit on by people I have absolutely no interest in dating, and being in the company of overbearing male friends who insist on cock-blocking me. So really, it has nothing to do with the yearly love-in itself... it's all been circumstantial (and perhaps it also highlights my need to have less overbearing male friends).

ANYWAY. A long time ago when I was a super awkward, skinny, big-haired, giant early 90's glasses-wearing 14-year-old, I met this guy. 'Oh, 'this guy'', you say. Just understand that it was kind of a big deal at the time. I met him because I was taking swimming lessons (I've known how to swim since I was 4, but up until I was around 16 or 17 I took lessons every summer because my mom thought that if I didn't participate in some kind of activity during that time, I would begin running delinquent in the streets), and he was the instructor. Yeah. I know, right? He was 18 and had just graduated from high school. He drove this silly little white mini-pickup truck (I don't know the technical term for those... is there one?) with his name as the license plate. He was tall-ish, kind of skinny, with dark hair, and this cute, goofy smile. And I was seriously fucking head over heels for him. Like, retardedly so. Plus, he kinda liked me. At first my best friend told me that he HAD to like me because I was in his swimming class. Protocol or something. I knew better, though, because he laughed at my jokes extra hard, winked at me when the other kids weren't looking, and hung around after lessons to chat with me.
Of course, there was that pesky age difference which made it impossible for anything to really happen. So for the next 5 years, I spent my spare time volunteering and teaching lessons at the pool with him. I managed to procure a phone number and even an address (he gave it to me so I could send him a postcard from Japan one time). We flirted and made eyes at eachother, but it never progressed beyond that. By then, he had a girlfriend (someone he had met from the university rowing club), and it all seemed pretty hopeless. I ended up taking a year off after high school, and though we still saw one another around now and then, I figured that was that. By my 1st semester of university that fall, I'd pretty much forgotten about him entirely, and was in the process of trying to date a guy who I'd met over the summer. Then one day as I was on my way to my morning archaeology lecture (shut up... it totally seemed like a good idea at first), I heard someone calling my name. I looked around, and there he was standing by the doors of the science building, so I walked over to say hi. He asked how I was, how my classes were going (he mentioned that he was in the final year of his bachelor's degree), and lastly asked if I would like to go for coffee with him some time. This is the important part of the story (obviously) because, as I would much later realize, this was the very moment that I'd wanted all along. All of that innocent flirting had turned out to be legitimate, and he'd been waiting for me to turn 18 the whole time. He then scrawled his number onto a piece of paper ("Just in case you don't still have it"), and told me to call him.

But I didn't. I never did. I don't know why. Probably because I was young and stupid, and pursuing someone else (by the way, that turned out to be a complete and utter waste of time... but that's another blog post entirely). And the truth of the matter is that it's probably the single thing in life I fully regret; you know, if I could have one 'do over', what would it be? That kind of thing. I never got to have a first date with the guy who I spent all of my high school years adoring; the one guy who bothered to wait 5 years so I could actually go out with him. Shit, that's downright romantic, isn't it? But my fucking 18-year-old brain couldn't process it at the time. Man, do I ever wish that I'd been tuned in back then. I could've been all like, 'Holy shit, this is what every girl dreams about', and then who knows? It might have been one for the ages, but instead just turned into the classic 'one that got away' story.

And I've been sitting on this story until now. So, consider yourselves lucky to have heard it. Hopefully my 34-year-old self will never let anything like it happen again, or else I'm likely to become the crazy dog lady.

That would suck.

where the f*** is our snowpocalypse?

2011-02-07T08:43:00.002-07:00

I promise I'm still blogging. Sort of. I realize I haven't really posted anything since the beginning of December, but still here! I think I'll just revert back to list format for this update since it's just easier that way.

a) Bad hair. Like, all around. I thought I'd be awesome and grow my hair out. You may or may not recall that I spent all of last year rocking a pixie-ish cut in various colours (not at the same time... I just changed hair colours every time I went in for a trim). Verdict? All that toner and dye has left my hair super fried. So I'm giving it a break and not cutting or colouring it until possibly June. I know. I don't think I can last that long, either. But for one thing, I basically cannot afford my hair stylist right now; she is beyond fantastic, but her prices are high... and I have to pay all my bills somehow. So, I guess growing my hair out is half out of necessity, and half out of poverty. Or wait... aren't they essentially the same thing?

b) Running. Yeah, I am still training for my eventual half marathon. Thing is, it's now been pushed from spring, to summer, to fall, and finally to winter. Well, technically it's still fall, since the official date is December 4th. The race is the Rock 'n' Roll Las Vegas Marathon. And... how exactly is training going? Kind of badly. My 10k running clinic started in the dead of winter, and I have discovered that I pretty much despise running in snow. So I tend to go on these shortened runs (like, 3-6k only), and of course hill training starts this week RIGHT after a 30cm + snowfall. Goddamnit. You know what? I have a lot of respect for seasoned athletes. They don't make all the excuses I make about why they can't train properly. They just do it. I guess, then, thank goodness no one is relying on me to do any of this but myself. And 'relying' is a pretty loose term in my case...

c) Interesting fact: I haven't purchased anything from Starbucks since the beginning of December. For true! It is part of my attempt to cut unnecessary spending. Is it helping? Um... not so much. I'm quite broke from Christmas, so I don't have a lot of extra cash lying around anyway. But I think it will help in the long run. I've been able to stretch $100 much further than if I was still buying Starbucks everyday. You'd be amazed how far $100 goes when you focus only on things you actually need. Which, in my case, is really not that much.

d) WTF, Superbowl? And I don't mean the game. My team, true to form, did not win... but I definitely think the better team won. Anyway, I'm actually speaking of the entertainment. BEP... really? So bad. And how about Lea Michele singing 'America the Beautiful'? I know people are raving about how great she was in comparison to Xtina (we'll get to that shortly), but that's just it. In COMPARISON. They must engineer the fuck out of her voice on 'Glee', because she sounds just awful live. And Xtina, dude... no amount of fancy vocal tricks can change the fact that you DON'T KNOW THE WORDS TO YOUR OWN NATIONAL ANTHEM! Oh man.

e) Don't you just hate creepy people with whom you have to share an apartment/condo complex? Ugh. Really, it's why I try my hardest NOT to associate with my neighbours unless I can't avoid it.

oh hey.

2010-12-10T09:21:00.002-07:00

So yeah, my updates are few and far between... pretty unlike my cousin. But that's how I roll, I guess. The death of AI last month had me making a last-minute decision to go to Hawaii. Not Kauai, mind you, but I went to Maui. I meant to surf more than the one time, but I'm pretty terrible (come on, there are no oceans where I live, so it's hard to get good), plus the waves were pretty tiny. The breaks are more cooperative from December onward. Next time.

I have been slacking off on my running, which is really bad. Diet-wise I am doing okay, and my pilates class is helping me keep my core-strength up, but I have only run ONCE in the past 2 weeks. May last run was in Maui, and was a mere 5k. So bad. But on the positive side, my pace was pretty fast. I probably did about 6:30-45, so that's unheard of for me. I have a fun run coming up next weekend (my running partner/friend and I are running in Santa suits), though, so it's all good. Then another couple weeks of sheer laziness before it's time to pick up the pace again for my 10k clinic (starting January 11th). After that, it's half marathon training. I had planned to do the half by late August... but now it's looking more like November in Seattle. Either way, at least I'm still more-or-less on schedule. Holiday season is a bad time of year for me, though, because I'm weak when it comes to all the delicious food available. Have you SEEN the Superstore flyers? The desserts are off the hook. Dude. Luckily I'm not much of a drinker anymore, or I'd be in some serious trouble. As it is, though it would appear that I am at my heaviest weight in at least a couple of years, a good portion of it is muscle rather than fat, so I'm happy with that. A few Christmas treats and libations probably won't hurt me, so long as I hit it hard in the new year.

A lot of people are bitching about the snow (I sort of did at first, but I was just in motherfucking Hawaii, so at least my excuse is valid), but I am stoked as all get out to hit the hills pretty quick. I hate how I ditched skiing for a few years due to my former level of inactivity. Living so close to top notch slopes, it's totally a shame when people don't shred or ride. Seriously, what is the point of living here if you don't do either of those things? Okay, so maybe your family is here and all that, and that's why... but then these people are the ones forever complaining about how cold it is, or how much it snows. I'm a traditionalist, so I never made the switch to snowboarding; I'm just more comfortable on sticks is all. Looks like it'll be a good season, though. I'm thinking of heading out sometime during the week off I have. Sweet times.

Well, that's kind of it for now. Oh yeah, year end at work got pushed ahead to February... might be able to hit up Hawaii again in the New Year. Here's hoping.

Endless Summer

2010-11-05T08:32:00.004-06:00

You may not really know this about me, but I love surfing. It's something else to watch (but I'm not really good or even competent at it). You also may not know (but how could you not... this is the digital age, after all) that this past Tuesday one of surfing's greats, and also one of my very favourite athletes ever, Andy Irons, passed away. Here are a couple of videos I'm posting as a tribute to him. The first is his 'i surf because' vid for Billabong, and the second is the paddle out held in his honour.

Enjoy your Endless Summer, Andy. We'll never forget you.

things. things? things!

2010-10-29T09:43:00.002-06:00

1) You know what I really don't like? People who get movie titles wrong. Okay, so sometimes I get movie tiles fucked up too, but it usually goes something like this: "You know that movie...? The one about spies from the future... I can't remember what it's called? I think it starts with an 'N' maybe." So I don't actually ever say what the movie is called because I never remember. What I mean is people who keep calling a movie the wrong title. The only reason this pisses me off is because doesn't everybody have internet these days? You can't just look that shit up so that you start using the CORRECT title? It's not difficult.

2) Ditto for people who always spell names wrong. Especially on thing like Facebook, where you can actually see on peoples' profiles how their names are spelled. I don't like people like that. Heck, I bet their own parents don't like them much.

3) What is the point of having a phone that you never answer? or voicemail you never check? Honestly, should I just delete you from my contacts? Because dude. really.

4) Is it bad that when I'm driving and see that the person behind me is talking on their cell, I sometimes slam on the brakes to see how good their reflexes are? I'm guessing it's pretty bad to do that. But still... I like to check. At the very least I can make them drop their stupid phone, and then I win.

5) No, I don't spend my whole life doing mean stuff like that.

so, how lucky do you feel...?

2010-10-18T09:40:00.002-06:00

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about where I am in life, and about whether or not it is a satisfactory place to be. And guess, what, for the most part it is. I live a fairly average life, but a good life, nonetheless. I probably could stand to make a few bucks more than I do (seriously, my tastes are just a tad more expensive than my salary allows for), be in a little better shape, be more friendly to people, take better care of my car, clean my house more, live in a city I like a bit more, blah blah, etc., but let's face it, my life is far from terrible. I'm not starving, I can pay all the bills on time, the dog is fed, the car is always full of gas. And yet, some of the people in my life try to tell me that somehow all of this is not enough. They constantly badger me about things like why I don't date, and remind me that I'm almost 35 so if I want kids, I should somehow force myself to have them.

Okay... what now? I have known since I was very young that life doesn't always work out the way you want it to. Do I sometimes feel left out- at almost 34 years of age- that almost all of my close friends are either married or in relationships that will result in marriage? Sometimes. Do I feel the need to have children at some point? Well, it would be nice, I suppose. But the way my life has played out, I have already accepted that neither of these things may ever be a reality for me. I can shoulder most of the blame for that, because I made some extremely questionable choices over the years; the types of choices I ultimately knew I'd end up paying for.
So, I totally resent people I know constantly rubbing their relationships and children in face, like it's some kind of trophy, and in the race to be awesome, I am coming in dead fucking last. I know they mostly mean well, but I just wish they understood that not everybody needs that sort of life to be okay. Throughout my life, I never got my hopes up that certain things would or wouldn't happen. Sure, you do have a certain degree of control, but occasionally things happen that totally derail you. You could stay derailed for life, or you could dust yourself off and say "life, it fucking sucks you did that to me, but I'll be okay". Do I think I might have been one of those happily married people with two kids? Oh, probably. In a way, though, I'm glad that I'm not. There are still so many things I need to accomplish, and I kind of feel that in order for any of it to happen, I cannot be bogged down with a relationship and mouths to feed. And I am not saying that sort of lifestyle is any less of an adventure; you guys are lucky to have your own families, and I will always somewhat envy that. But I feel really lucky, too. I haven't always had it easy, but it's been a mostly fun life so far, and full of some pretty awesome people, places, and times. I'm lucky to know what I know, and to also still have a nice, long road ahead of me. So, no regrets. It's go time.

grrr, argh.

2010-10-06T08:37:00.002-06:00

Um... so I have a small hip flexor strain from running. Left one. Why? Because apparently this is a common injury when one has little 'core strength'. This translates in English to that I am too fat in the gut still, and the lower half of my body is working over-hard to compensate for it.

Ugh. Anyway, this is what has lead to me deciding to take a 7-week pilates class starting November 1st. Yeah, I hate stuff like pilates and yoga, but it is probably less bad for me than high impact things like boot camp (which I kind of struggle with due to my lack of core strength). I want to do this to avoid serious injury, because right now that sort of thing would really set me back on my goal of running a half marathon by the end of next summer, and then a full marathon the spring or summer after that. A lot of people have said it's not a realistic goal, since it's taken most of them 3 or 4 years to train to run a half (I have only been running seriously for around 5 months... really), but I'm pretty optimistic I can do it. After all, I just finished running a 10k race with barely any experience. That's right. I ran a couple of 10k flat-land runs before, and before that the farthest I'd ever gone on a run was 8.6k. I did no hill training at all (and the race was one with a huge hill right at the beginning). But I still managed.

This winter is my 10k training, then pretty much right after that I will start my half marathon training. I will stagger all of the running with core strength classes, and other things I feel will be useful to keep me in top shape like resistance training (possibly Crossfit... but I may still have a ways until I can stomach something that intense), spin class (potentially), and swimming.

I have already begun to alter my diet to fit these demands... so far, it's not as terrible as I thought. It mostly involves reversing the traditional way of thinking about dinner being the largest meal of the day. On weekday mornings, I eat a fairly decent-sized breakfast usually consisting of oatmeal with some nuts and fruit, sometimes a banana, a glass or two of water, half a protein-powder beverage (other half is for before a run) and sometimes toast and yogurt too. On weekends I will usually consume stuff like sausages, eggs, and hashbrowns (made at home, not of the fast food variety). I try to keep lunch pretty simple; soup and salad, or if I am eating at a restaurant I will eat either an entree OR and appetizer (never both), and I try to keep side dishes limited to salad or veg (I will have the fries only if I plan on some sort of physical activity in the near future). My dinners are primarily now a sort of pseudo-extension of lunch, and I try to limit them to being protein and vegetables, with some carbs (and the other half of the protein beverage) if I'm going for an evening run. My after-run refuel is usually yogurt, an apple, and on occasion a piece of whole grain toast. I stay away from soft drinks as a general rule, and limit sweets and snacking to maybe a couple of times per week (unless the snacks are something healthy... and I never overindulge anymore).

Whoa. Sorry if that's a lot of info to process. It is what it is. After all, no one ever got into prime shape by lying in bed watching TV and eating extra-large bags of potato chips.

this is what we do, and this how we do it.

2010-10-04T09:47:00.003-06:00

Are you getting bored of my health and fitness posts yet? Then maybe you need to find another fucking blog to read... because this is mine, and this is what I feel like talking about right now. I trust this is clear.

So, in my last post I wrote that I don't care about how much I weigh. While that is mostly true, I realize that I am also one of the most vain people in this world, and a lot of how much I weigh has to do with how I think I look. And...? Let me just say- for the record- that I have looked better. When did I look better? Well, here's the problem; I looked better when I was a pack-a-day smoker. I know, right? I had the most positive body image when I could keep the weight off with cigarettes. Most of you know that I quit smoking almost 3 years ago, and I have no intention whatsoever of picking up the habit again (sometimes when I'm on holidays I will have a 'cheat' cigarette, but since holidays for me happen only once a year, it's inconsequential). What this has meant for me is that I no longer have a method of staving off my cravings for bad food. I am definitely the type of person who, while primarily making healthy choices at the supermarket, will totally load up on ice cream, cookies, and potato chips. For 'emergencies' is what I say. What that actually translates to is an 'emergency' almost every night while watching TV.

Yeah... not good. Currently, I weigh in at almost 150 lbs (okay, so it's really 147.5, but that is dangerously close), which is fucking terrible considering my height is just a hair under 5'6. To be fair, a lot of the weight is probably leg weight since I am a runner, but it's still not ideal, since I am now considered almost overweight. So, for the first time in a long time, I went grocery shopping yesterday and DID NOT purchase any junk food. No ice cream, no potato chips.
I am determined to lose around 25 lbs by next June.

This morning I found out that my 10k running clinic has been postponed until December 7th, which will kind of set me back... so I am filling the space with boot camps and pilates classes (which I probably really need, as I have barely any core strength to speak of), and I will keep doing the practice runs on Wednesdays and Sundays. Plus, it will snow in no time, so skiing should make its way into the agenda in another month. I would say I want to get rid of alcohol as well, but the truth is that I do not drink much anymore. Really! Not even once a week. So for now booze can stay. And what about fast food? After all, I am notorious for hating to cook, and loving the convenience that McDonald's etc. bring to my life. I've decided that fast food is okay occasionally, but will need to be counteracted by a run. A good run, too, not some shitty little lunch-time faker.

So, that's that. Stay tuned to hear about my progress. Or maybe just for other posts about the crap that regularly runs through my brain that has nothing at all to do with my physical well-being. Either way.

Later, skaters.

the things i've stopped caring about

2010-09-30T10:16:00.002-06:00

Oh, 2010. What a very strange year it's been. Especially because this is the year I honestly stopped caring about certain things.

1. How much I weigh/how skinny or not skinny I am. I've finally made peace with the fact that I am not 5'10, and I'm built a little like a tank. A bottom-heavy tank. And guess what? That's okay. When I think about how many people my age I know who are not physically active, and constantly eat unhealthily, my body type seems fairly inconsequential. It's genetics... who am I to fight it? I'm actually in the best shape I've been in since maybe 8 years ago. I've decided I will run a marathon before I turn 36 (if anybody is keeping track, this happens in just a little over 2 years from now).

2. What other people think about me. Seriously, whatever. It really doesn't hurt me if someone I've been friends with for years decides to stop being my friend because they no longer agree with my views on things. I'm not trying to say I don't value friendship, but when you really think about it, it's easy to make new friends. At least I don't seem to find it difficult. I usually shrug it off if people don't like me... I'm not in this world to be liked; I'm hear to fulfill my own purpose and destiny.

3. Being in a relationship. For anyone who knows me well enough to know about my serial dating past, this one may read like kind of a joke. But let me assure you that it isn't. As the year wears on, the less and less I care about dating. It just isn't important to me anymore... I figure that if I'm meant to find 'the one' or whatever you want to call it, it will just happen. But it can't be out of desperation. I love how my friends are all "oh, but you just need to put yourself out there more". Excuse me? How much more fucking 'out there' can I put myself? It isn't like I'm a complete hermit. Either way, these days I'm a little too concerned with just doing whatever it is I feel like doing at the time, and not having to answer to anyone, or 'check if it's okay first', or face all sorts of unnecessary questioning when I get home. The only baggage I have to deal with is my own. To be honest, I started seeing a pattern. I've dated so many guys, so how is it even possible that not one of them ended up being something permanent? It's because I've never been happy in a relationship for longer than the first 6 months. I can't see my life revolving around anything but myself. At least now you know.

4. Helping people move. Bottom line: there are exactly 4 people who I will help move. Once that's happened, it's over. It's YYC, people. Buy a car, already. Get a drivers' license. Hire movers. But do not ask me. The beer and pizza only make me fat, and really, I'd rather if you'd just offer to pay for gas.

5. Drinking. No, really. Sure, sometimes I'll go on vacation and get all kinds of loaded with friends I very rarely see... but only then. Alcohol no longer plays a prominent role in my day-to-day life. Do I keep it at home? yeah, but that's for if someone comes over and I feel like they might think it's weird if I can't offer them alcohol. I'm no longer one of those 'hey, let's go for a drink after work' kinds of people (maybe only once a month; actually, probably less than that)... usually I meet people for a run after work now. There was a time I was sure I'd never outgrow drinking, but it appears I was wrong.

6. What other people are up to. I know. So bad. I rarely ever ask about what anybody is doing, and normally wait until people tell me all on their own. It's true. Then again... I've kind of always been that way. I figure that if you want to tell me, you'll just do so without me asking. I'm not nosy. I'm curious sometimes, but I feel like a lot of things are just none of my business.

and now for something completely different...

2010-09-23T08:18:00.004-06:00

Wow. I just haven't had much to blog about lately that's funny/thought-provoking/even-the-slightest-bit-interesting. I guess it's mostly because I've finally fully embraced not being in my 20's anymore, and have been living a rather sedate sort of life. And it isn't bad. I think everyone knows that these days I'm mostly about all things health-related; running, considering joining the Crossfit gym, trying to eat better, sleep more... and also barely drinking at all, since I've discovered that though I enjoy a drink now and then, it's not something I can't live without. I'm also in the process of determining what the destination of my eventual move away from Calgary should be... it's looking overwhelmingly like Toronto now, rather than the West Coast which it was originally (but don't worry, it's a little ways into the future because I can't afford a move right now). So, I've certainly got some stuff on the go.

But that's not the point of today's post (um... does anyone else notice I haven't posted since something like April...?). I would like to direct your attention to something better. More specifically, it is the personal blog of my cousin. It is the journey of a man once plagued with addictions who has begun a journey of self-discovery on the way to achieving a once long-lost childhood dream, and list of things to do before the clock runs out (he calls it the Fuck-it List). Even if you're not super into inspirational blogs, give it a try. It sure as fuck is what's keeping me motivated.

http://www.rtsharethedream.blogspot.com/

the deal-breakers.

2010-04-06T09:38:00.003-06:00

We all have them. And some of us have more than others. Like me, for instance. But that's probably because I'm paranoid/picky/particular.

Top Ten Deal-breakers

1) You make fun of the fact that I love the movie 'Footloose', and even go so far as refuse to watch it with me. Okay... seriously? What am I supposed to believe, that all you ever watch are French art films? Because I'm not buying it. I'm not saying that it's any sort of cinematic masterpiece... but it's highly quotable, has a killer soundtrack, and it has Kevin Bacon dancing in it. Kevin. Bacon. Dancing. See? Doesn't seem all that preposterous when I spell it out like that. In fact, I like a whole ton of movies with the same kind of story line and catchy tunes. Sue me.

2) You force me to consume meals after 8 pm constantly. Not eating meals after 8 is not stupid, it's how I keep myself from having to upsize my wardrobe every few years. If your lifestyle can't accommodate my eating habits, then too bad for you.

3) You dress badly. Now, I've put up with a lot of shitty fashion choices in my day (both from myself, and from boyfriends), so now it's time to just lay it out and there and say that the way you dress either reflects well or poorly on me. I'm sorry, but when you're a guy over 30, growing your hair out is not an option. Neither is wearing a toque and a hoodie everywhere you go... especially if you've got me in tow. I take pride in my appearance, and I resent any guy who makes a mockery of that by always looking like he's going to the bar to watch the game with the boys... in 1985.

4) You have mediocre to poor personal hygiene. Alright, so when I was in college everybody was sort of sloppy in this area. But it was the grunge era. As a whole, people were greasier, smoked more weed, and slept in a lot later. Fast forward to today. You are in your 30's. You can probably identify as some sort of a professional (unless you actually can't... we'll get to that soon...). What exactly is so hard about taking a shower every day? And if I'm going to have to make out with you, could you at least brush your teeth (and not in a half-assed way where you just wet your toothbrush down... I mean for real, with flossing and toothpaste and all that)? Additionally, don't do that thing where you reach into a pile of clothes, sniff everything, then pick what smells the least offensive and wear that. I will know that's what you did.

5) You still work at some slacker sort of job. If it was an okay job when you were in your early to mid 20's, chances are it is still an okay job... for someone in their early to mid 20's. As independent as I am, I cringe when a man of a certain age still struggles hard to pay the rent. I'm not opposed to paying when we go out (I'm all for equality in a relationship), but there's something nice about a guy who will always pay the bill before I even have the chance to see it. I really dislike hearing the following: "If you pay for this on your debit/credit card, I will pay you back in cash later". Why the fuck are we even going anywhere if you don't have the money?

6)You are constantly saying "I'm a nice guy.". Um... okay, I GET it already. If you're really such a nice guy, why the hell do you have to keep saying it out loud? It's pretty much the equivalent of saying "I'm not a nice guy.". I don't really need to hear either one of those things; I will determine on my own whether or not you are worthy of me sticking around for the long haul.

7) You won't hold my hand at the movies, but you have no problem with groping me inappropriately in public. Seriously... don't fucking touch me. Ew.

8) You ask me to grow my hair out... but if I ask you to shave off your homeless-looking beard, or cut off your mullet, you get all bent out of shape. Hey, if you won't compromise, neither will I. It's how I operate. Also, I like having short hair... so if that's not your thing, you have ample opportunity to bail.

9) You don't like animals. No, not like that... but if I get a hesitant reaction when I mention that I have a dog, then I know it ~~probably~~ won't work out.

10) You never listen to anything I say, and therefore have no idea who I even am. To be fair, sometimes my mind drifts mid-conversation, but I always keep my ears open for important things a guy tells me about himself. It's helpful for times like birthdays or Christmas, or just if I happen to spot something while window shopping. When you take me to the mall a month after my birthday and say "pick something out that you want, and I'll buy it", then I know it's all been going in one ear and out the other. My favorite bands, kinds of food, books, movies, etc. should all be stored in your little brain somewhere.

What are your deal-breakers?

another comprehensive list.

2010-03-29T09:02:00.002-06:00

Likes:

1) First kisses with someone new (or just full on make-outs on the street).

2) Never having to wear heels.

3) Carrot juice.

4) Realizing that my pants fit a little looser than they did last week.

5) Yelling at kids to 'pick up yer fuckin' garbage, and get the hell off my property!'

6) Finding out I'm really a morning person, and that I've just been repressing it with years of staying out too late.

7) Unexpected deals at the supermarket. And no, I don't mean stealing.

Dislikes:

1) Periodically missing smoking, even though the exposure to it now makes me sick.

2) People who get angry when I constantly apologize for things. Um... maybe I AM legitimately sorry, dickfarmer. Fuck.

3) Finding mold on the bread when I'm already halfway through the loaf.

4) Loving everything about a movie except for the ending.

5) Never finding anything good when I Google my own name. I mean, not like I think I'm so awesome and that there should be volumes about me out there... it's just disappointing to find that I'm really fucking boring.

6) Not knowing where certain smells are coming from in my home.

7) People who won't shake hands with me. I don't have herpes, motherfucker. Also, I always carry a bottle of hand sanitizer in my purse. You can borrow it after you've shaken my obviously diseased hand. Fuckface.

xo

life lessons, as taught by miss voltage.

2009-09-15T13:06:00.003-06:00

1) Everybody is a bunch of dinks. Yes... EVERYBODY.

2) If there are only 30 morons in the world, chances are you will either end up working with all 30 of them, or that you ARE one of them.

3) Throw deserving people under the bus while it's still an option.

4) A flight of stairs looks like this:

5) Just because something has an expiry date on it that has come and gone doesn't mean you can't still eat it.

6) If you actually need to ask for someone's opinion on how an outfit looks, it looks fucking terrible.

7) Redheads always seem to compare themselves to whoever the token hot ginger celebrity is. Do you have a mirror at home? You look like the love child of Carrot Top and Danny Bonaduce for crying out loud.

8) The squeaky wheel does not get the grease... it gets ignored until the car breaks down in the middle of fucking nowhere, then you have to hitch a ride into town with Jedediah the Inbred Farm Freak.

9) It's 2009. If you still can't read my blog because you don't have a computer... then fuck you.

word.

2009-09-03T10:15:00.005-06:00

Last week I had a half-hour-long argument with my dad about what a flight of stairs consists of. Here's how it went. For seriously 30 minutes.

etc., etc.

The basis of the argument was that when you get furniture delivered, it costs $20/flight of stairs after the first two for buildings with no elevator. Which is fine. But I said that in my building there are 5 flights of stairs, my dad said no, there are only 2 and a half.

Whatever.

Fast forward to yesterday when the guys came to deliver my furniture.

Delivery dude: "It says on your form that there are 2 flights of stairs so there's no extra charge... but I count 5."

Me: "Uh, yeah. I had this huge argument with my father about what a flight of stairs actually is, and he just always wants to be right so I agreed with him to get him to stop telling me that I don't know as much as he does."

Delivery dude (laughing) "Oh... well, unfortunately we do have to charge you $60 for the 3 extra flights."

Me (shrugging) "Sure. I kinda figured. You know, since I knew I was right and everything."

Moral of the story:

Just because your parents have been around since black and white TV doesn't mean they know what the hell they're talking about.

where's the 'on' button....?

2009-08-26T10:28:00.004-06:00

Whoops. So I haven't posted anything here for almost a month. Meh... blogging is so 2001.

Of course, you will receive an email (or phone call) shortly after from Mom/Dad/Grandma/etc. asking you what the fuck a flowchart is... and how one works.

Goddamnit.

xo

goddamned dead grapes.

2009-07-27T14:33:00.002-06:00

Raisins are fucking sick. If you still don't believe me, please click on the following image:

real gone lover

2009-07-24T08:51:00.001-06:00

hedgehog in the fog

2009-07-24T08:48:00.000-06:00

fairweather friends, and other annoyances.

2009-07-22T08:13:00.002-06:00

First things first... cell phones. Now, there is no way I will ever get a land line again, but when you really think about it, cell phones are a pretty piss-poor alternative. The main reason being that they are more disposable than they ought to be. I honestly believe that every phone is sold with the battery already half dead, and that the SIM card is purposely attached to said half dead battery so that once it does die, you don't have the option of just purchasing a brand new battery, just an entirely new phone. That's pretty fucking sneaky. Just wait until I invent a chip that lets us communicate with eachother 'telepathically'.

Secondly. To you people out there who have uttered the following, "You wouldn't understand because you've never been married/had kids/owned a farm/killed a man/etc.": die. Seriously. Sure, I may not have first hand experience at everything in life, but I am also not a) blind, b)deaf, c)completely unobservant, or d)a moron. Give me the benefit of the doubt, because my observations/advice can sometimes be pretty goddamned helpful. But if there's a chance that you do not want my opinions because I can't possibly even relate to whatever it is that you're saying to me that's so important, then maybe I'm not the person you need to be talking to.
I'm just sayin'...

And now, the actual reason for this post...
people who haven't called, written, sent smoke signals, sent emails, texted, etc. in months and months (okay, I won't be that nice about it... it's been well over a fucking year), and then suddenly invite you to something like a birthday party. Or, for arguments' sake, let's say it's a stag/stagette party. And let's also just say that this little shindig falls on the same night as another shindig (let's make this one the 'hypothetical' birthday party) with people who run in the exact same social circle. Say you only want to go to the birthday party because it's for someone who actually calls you once in awhile.

Are you even following me still? Whatever, let me finish.

You go to the birthday party, then somewhere in between one of the stag party people shows up for a bit (remember, same social circle), and then leaves again, reminding you that they're at the Ship (ahhh... there goes 'hypothetical'...) and that they hope to see you later. Needless to say, after the birthday party, you just ditch everybody to go drinking at a dive bar with one of your most alcoholic (and unrelated to these other clowns) friends.

Are you sure you got all of that? Because it is pretty damned convoluted.

Anyway, I believe what I was getting at is this: why do people who essentially stop associating with you suddenly invite you to stuff, and fully expect you to say "Awesome! I'll totally be there!"? Are they just trying to rub it in your face somehow? Did they truly forget that they haven't actually spoken with you for well over a year? Do they just not have very many friends, so they have to resort to inviting people who may or may not even remember who they are? Then again, there are people who are going to tell me that perhaps they are making a genuine effort to revive the friendship... but I doubt that, because if they were, why wait for a specific occasion? There were plenty of other times when it might have looked much more sincere.

xo

hero.

2009-07-17T11:13:00.000-06:00

Repost from someone's Facebook note:

I got this email this morning as SPAM, normally I would just delete it but after taking the time to read it I thought I'd share it with you. For all you Band of Brothers fans and anyone who has had any family or friends serve in the military. I'd rather read about this than the recent celebrity deaths that have been all over the news / news papers / internet / radio . . .

One of the "Band of Brothers" soldiers died on June 17, 2009.

We're hearing a lot today about big splashy memorial services.

I want a nationwide memorial service for Darrell "Shifty" Powers.

Shifty volunteered for the airborne in WWII and served with Easy Company of
the 506th Parachute Infantry Regiment, part of the 101st Airborne Infantry.
If you've seen Band of Brothers on HBO or the History Channel, you know
Shifty. His character appears in all 10 episodes, and Shifty himself is
interviewed in several of them.

I met Shifty in the Philadelphia airport several years ago.
I didn't know who he was at the time. I just saw an elderly gentleman
having trouble reading his ticket. I offered to help, assured him that he
was at the right gate, and noticed the "Screaming Eagle", the
symbol of the 101st Airborne, on his hat.

Making conversation, I asked him if he'd been in the 101st Airborne or if
his son was serving. He said quietly that he had been in the 101st. I
thanked him for his service, then asked him when he served, and how many
jumps he made.

Quietly and humbly, he said "Well, I guess I signed up in 1941 or so, and
was in until sometime in 1945" at which point my heart skipped.

At that point, again, very humbly, he said "I made the 5 training jumps at
Toccoa, and then jumped into Normandy .. do you know where Normandy
is?" At this point my heart stopped.

I told him yes, I know exactly where Normandy was, and I know
what D-Day was. At that point he said "I also made a second jump
into Holland, into Arnhem." I was standing with a genuine war hero . . .
and then I realized that it was June, just after the anniversary of D-Day.

I asked Shifty if he was on his way back from France, and he said "Yes.
And it's real sad because these days so few of the guys are left, and those
that are, lots of them can't make the trip." My heart was in my throat and
I didn't know what to say.

I helped Shifty get onto the plane and then realized he was back in Coach,
while I was in First Class. I sent the flight attendant back to get him and
said that I wanted to switch seats. When Shifty came forward, I got up out
of the seat and told him I wanted him to have it, that I'd take his in coach.

He said "No, son, you enjoy that seat. Just knowing that there are still
some who remember what we did and still care enough to make an old man
very happy." His eyes were filling up as he said it. And mine are brimming
up now as I write this.

Shifty died on June 17 after fighting cancer.

There was no parade.

No big event in Staples Center.

No wall to wall back to back 24x7 news coverage.

No weeping fans on television.

And that's not right.

Let's give Shifty his own Memorial Service, online, in our own
quiet way.
Please forward this email to everyone you know. Especially to the
veterans.

Rest in peace, Shifty.

"A nation without heroes is nothing."
Roberto Clemente

things...

2009-07-09T13:35:00.004-06:00

... that make me realize that my brain has been severely altered by the use of drugs over the years.

1) Short term memory: I don't have one. No, seriously. Unless I write it down, I won't remember in 5 minutes.

2) Some of my memories never actually happened in real life, but I can't tell the difference a lot of the time. Fuck.

3) Comments I make like this:

"The word 'epic' should only be used if the event actually WAS epic. I mean, unless you're at a party where suddenly it starts raining hot dogs and cherry-flavored jelly beans from the ceiling, and then half the people in the room turn into zombies, and the other half of the peoples' heads explode, then it is probably NOT epic."

WTF?

is there a point to this?

2009-07-09T08:33:00.003-06:00

No, no there isn't. It's just a video of a pug pushing around a stroller.

the one where i bitch about 'the greatest show on earth', or whatever the fuck the tagline is.

2009-07-02T09:42:00.003-06:00

Guess what, today is the start of my MOST FAVOURITE ten days of all in Calgary.

Okay, no, they are not actually my most fave ten days.

Of course, I am speaking of Stampede. During these ten days, it's like hick/redneck paradise, and all the trash from surrounding villages comes out to play. During these ten days, I seriously have to wonder what possessed me to keep on living here. While I will admit that I have certain redneck tendencies (I can't help it, I was raised in Alberta, so some of that was bound to have a lasting effect on me), I generally shake my head at the goings on during Stampede. All it is to me is a bunch of drunks who, ostensibly, have been given an excuse to act like assholes during the work week. Not that it's necessarily that much different any other time of year (this is, after all, Calgary), but I think what makes it worse is that on top of the usual douchebaggery, everybody feels the need to dress up in fake cowboy gear and listen to bad country music. Especially the women. You know how Halloween is meant to be 'the only day of the year where any type of woman can dress like a whore and get away with it'? Well, here we just tack on ten extra days of that each year. If I didn't know any better, I'd think I lived in the world's biggest bordello with the way some of these women behave.

But I'm not saying that the rest of you shouldn't enjoy Stampede. Maybe what I am saying is that I pride myself on knowing better.

xo

absentee blogger.

2009-06-29T11:18:00.003-06:00

Welcome to the part of the year where I totally neglect my blog. Whatever.

So, while I kind of hate forms of exercise like yoga, tai chi (sp?), and pilates, at least I get why they can be used as forms of exercise (um... why does the word 'exercise' look so wrong to me right now even though I'm sure I'm spelling it correctly?). What I DON'T really get is this whole phenomenon of people doing pole dancing to get in shape. Okay, so I can see that it may require physical fitness and whatnot to do pole dancing, but to me it's just fucking skeezy (again... sp?).
To make things worse, there are people I actually know (not mentioning names, but people with KIDS even) that participate in this form of exercise. Whatever happened to just plain old going to the gym and pumping iron?

This may be so five years ago, but I still don't understand the appeal. I mean, these people tell me it's fun, but I think I would find it hard to tell someone with a straight face that I pole danced to keep in shape. It just comes across as a little bit trashy to me, and I think I'd rather stick to the classics... even if tai chi is kind of boring (dude, it is kung fu slowed down to a snail's crawl), and yoga is for hippies.

xo

bad parenting 101

2009-06-16T08:55:00.002-06:00

I posted this story on Twitter yesterday about a 4-year-old boy in the UK who flushed a tiny baby puppy down the crapper by accident.
I know, it sounds pretty funny, but it really isn't. First of all, just who in the fuck allows a 4-year-old to have a puppy anyway? And secondly, what goddamned 4-year-old is still stupid enough to think that they can wash a dog in the toilet?

When I was 4, I could already read. Not like Dostoevsky or anything, but at least Beatrix Potter and Dr. Seuss. My parents STILL didn't let me have a pet until I was 8.

I get that maybe parents want to try and teach their kids about responsibility when they're young, but how young is too young? I mean, there are 4-year-olds out there who aren't even toilet trained yet, and who can't formulate full sentences. Are there people who actually believe that they are able to be taught about responsibility? I think the kicker is that the little fucker went and blamed his brother for the mishap.

Now, I'm probably one to talk, having no kids of my own, but I have to say that no child has ever flushed a puppy down the shitter on my watch.

xo

what? sorry... the battery in my hearing aid must have died...

2009-06-12T08:28:00.003-06:00

I'm only part way through 32, and holy shit, but if I'm not already a grouchy old buzzard. When I was a few years younger (still in my twenties), I would often just shake off the antics of the youth of today, and I would give them the benefit of the doubt because, after all, I was young once. But these days, I scowl and frown, wish these kids would grow some kind of taste in music, shave their 'homeless poser beards', stop pretending that whatever low-rent form of employment they currently have is a real job (sometimes I wish for them to actually GET jobs), learn to drive already because it sucks to be in your 40s without a drivers' license... the list kind of just goes on and on. I'm equally as disenamoured of hippies as I am of hipsters (in a way, they are kind of the same thing... I think the key difference is that hipsters maybe shower one more time per month than hippies). It also really bothers me that so many kids nowadays choose to go straight into the workforce after high school instead of going into post secondary education (I'm not saying that after 7 years of college you will necessarily get a better job, but at least it might mean you will qualify for something more glamorous than working in a warehouse). Kids these days talk way too much, and never have anything important to say. They generally have bad manners, smoke too much weed, and don't tend to spend money on anything other than their wardrobes and cans of whatever beer is the cheapest (in this case it's Lucky, the champagne of the under 25 set).

Sigh. Maybe it's a sign of the times. Maybe someone should have written something like this for me to read when I was 20. All I know for sure is that I don't fucking get kids these days, and all they can really do for me is get the fuck off my lawn.*

xo

* No, really. Get. The. Fuck. OFF. My. Lawn.

screw you, hippie.

2009-06-11T08:14:00.002-06:00

The topic today is about going out to restaurants/the bar/in general when you're a hippie. Okay, so not just if you're a hippie, but if you're poor or on a budget.

Should you do it, or should you not do it?

My friend and I went out to the Ship yesterday for a burger and a couple of beer. No big deal, since we are both gainfully employed individuals. We sat at a table with a couple of hippies who were drinking beer. After awhile when they were done drinking, they put some money down on the table and took off. We had a look at what they had left, and it embarrassingly included a bunch of small change, notably pennies. Our waitress came and picked it up, and grumbled that at least they paid the tab, while we felt bad for her because we knew that she'd have tip out the rest of the staff out of her own pocket.

When you go out somewhere, you don't actually have to do anything. You sit at a table and the server brings you everything you ask for. What you are tipping for is their services. I would understand not tipping if you had to put your own beer or cook your own food at an establishment, but that's not the case. If all you can afford is to pay for your meal/beverage, then you are not really paying for anything at all... but believe it or not, there are still people who don't understand the concept of tipping. Having worked in the service industry when I was younger, I can say with a straight face that there isn't a lot of money in it. There is quite a significant reliance on the tips of patrons in order to pay the bills. If you really can't afford this gratuity, then you really need to stay home. It is possible to buy a case of beer and some food for under $20, and you don't need to tip anybody. Sure, it's not the same ambiance as sitting on a patio in the sunshine, while someone brings you your booze, and you don't have to eat KD right out of the pot on your sofa, but that ambiance is a luxury. If you can't afford to pay, fair and square, for that luxury, then you have no place on that restaurant/bar.

What do you think? Please weigh in if you can.

beer is the plural of beer.

2009-06-09T10:27:00.002-06:00

I don't really drink all that much anymore, but I still have plenty to say about peoples' choices of beverage (don't I just always have plenty to say about everything?).

1) Those bottled coolers people are always drinking. Um, EW. You may as well just mix sugar and rubbing alcohol at that point, because that's pretty much how those taste. I've often wondered who actually tests these things before they go on the market.

2) Low-rent beer. I always get myself in a lot of shit over this one because I tend to drink Miller Genuine Draft when I can't decide what I want. To justify this, let me just say that if you've ever been at a party where your only beer choices were Budweiser or Labatt Blue, you'll totally know where I'm coming from. I get that MGD is not the Cadillac of beer, but it's not like it's Black Label either. Besides that, though, I am a well-known beer snob. I very rarely drink non-imported beer, and even amongst those choices I am fairly picky.

3) Jagermeister. Seriously, if you're going to buy me a shooter, make it straight up Wild Turkey or Jack Daniels. Jager is not only fucking repulsive, but it is a German stomach tonic. Might as well drink Buckley's cough syrup.

4) Lime juice. Not like taking the lime wedge and squishing it over your drink, but the actual lime juice from the guns. Yuck. I really don't get why anybody in their right mind ever adds it to anything, because that's a great way to ruin what could have been an okay drink.

xo

what do you think?

2009-06-05T08:49:00.003-06:00

So, a lot of people seem to think ferrets are good pets. Okay, so here is a picture of some baby ones in a glass:

Sure, so they're kinda cute. But... BUT... ferrets are also known as weasels. And weasels are normally categorized along with rats, squirrels, etc. as being pests.
I guess what I really want to know was when this practice of domesticating such creatures to keep as pets started. I mean, when did someone first pick up a large sewer rat and go "aw, what a great little companion this would make"???
I, personally, prefer traditional pets like dogs, cats, birds, and hamsters (yeah, so hamsters are rodents, but I had one as a toddler so I'm a bit biased). That's just how some of us are. What's your take on keeping critters such as ferrets and rats as pets in the home?

wtf?

2009-06-04T08:51:00.002-06:00

Um... glory hole anyone?
Haha... ugh.

xo

i have a feeling...

2009-05-28T15:02:00.002-06:00

... that there are people who will NEVER realize just how loud they talk until someone makes a recording and plays it back to them. A good rule to go by is that if you can hear yourself but not anybody else, you probably talk too fucking loudly.

cop out post: hot dogs are my fave.

2009-05-28T10:19:00.005-06:00

not the same thing, part 6

2009-05-27T09:15:00.005-06:00

Crackers:

Crackers:

and

Crackers:

Click to See

why i'm a bad friend, and not the same thing, part 5.

2009-05-25T08:17:00.004-06:00

To be honest, I'm not the greatest friend ever. I don't mean that in the sense that I'm never there to help out when asked, or that I don't have the backs of my friends when someone threatens to dishonor them, but more in the way that I am that friend who really only appeals to a very specific sort of person. I'm kind of a jerk unless I'm around people like myself.

I know, right? You hate people like me; people with very few social graces. In fact, I hate people like me, because who really likes an asshole? I'm not sure what makes me this way, but I suspect that it's my relatively short attention span. I'm very bad at being invited to things where I am stuck being in one location for longer than 4 hours (I am a horrible dinner party guest, and usually take off right after dessert). I'm even worse at group activities where I am forced to mingle with the 'other' friends (this is not really my fault, though, because there is a reason that you are NEVER to let your separate groups of friends mingle), because I ALWAYS seem to find that one person I just can't see eye-to-eye with on anything within the first 5 seconds, and end up arguing with that person the whole time. I have trouble dealing with anybody as stubborn as myself, anybody who I have concluded is too stupid to bother conversing with, people who give me the vibe that they think they are better than I am, people who wear their political affiliations on their sleeves (I don't do politics), people who try to use religion as a common ground (I'm non-religious), and it all usually ends with me sitting in a corner drinking beer all by myself. To add insult to injury, I ALSO am that friend who promises to attend this or that, then unceremoniously bails on the day of the event because there's something else she'd rather do. Folks, it appears I am THAT friend. For the most part, it doesn't affect me in a negative way. I am fortunate enough to have a group of friends who are smart and independent, and we don't really rely on eachother for anything but the occasional get-together for a few drinks and a bite to eat, paired with meaningful (or not at all) conversation. So maybe there's no real harm done, since the stereotypical 'bad friend' probably doesn't even register in my social circle. But just in case, I am a GOOD friend because I will probably punch someone in the face for you (loyal), I eat meat (okay to invite over for a meal because I'm not one of those picky fuckers), I have a car (I can help you move... but ask first, don't assume), I always smell really nice (everybody likes a friend with good personal hygiene), and I have good hair. I'm not sure why having good hair would make me a good friend, but I assure you that it does. Trust me.

**********************************************************************************

Not the same thing (part 5):

Turban

Turbine

You know, just in case there was ever any confusion. I can't really imagine why there would be.

xo

parents are good at one thing...

2009-05-22T08:33:00.002-06:00

So, you all know that I'm holed up in my folks' basement while I shop around for condos/houses to buy. It's really not a bad deal all in all... the free dog-sitting is nice, and also the not-currently-having-bills-to-pay-other-than-car-related thing.
But what IS it about parents and food? By that I mean that parents ALWAYS seem to think you are starving/not eating enough/not eating the right things/just not interested in food. Mine are like that, anyway. Seriously, half the time I enter my mom's frame of view, she hands me a banana. "You need to eat this" she says. Um... okay. Random banana that I just 'need' to eat. In fact, having them around means that I am pretty much 'not allowed' to skip meals (it's easier at lunch time because I'm usually at work, so they'll never know whether or not I actually consumed anything). And after meals, they are always handing me some sort of fruit, like I'm not already full from the lasagna or meatloaf I just had a large plate of. On top of that my folks seem to think I'm starving, they always make comments about how I maybe could stand to lose a couple of pounds.

Oh. Okay...

REALLY?

Let me get this straight... you think I am malnourished, and yet I need to lose weight?

So, you see why I really need to find a great place to live sooner than later. Parents are awesome, but the one thing they really seem to excel at is making us fat.

heavy.

2009-05-20T08:40:00.006-06:00

Please click on the image below to enlarge it. I think it's pretty much the most important thing you'll do today. Well, maybe not THE most, but I guarantee it might be one of them. Okay, so I guarantee nothing. Just click on the fucking thing already.

not the same thing, part 4.

2009-05-19T10:09:00.004-06:00

I may as well get this one out of the way now.

VEGAN cupcakes:

AND

REGULAR cupcakes:

Okay, so I didn't bother to include an actual picture of a vegan cupcake, since it looks pretty much EXACTLY like a regular cupcake. Looks, however, are the beginning and the end of the similarity... because vegan cupcakes taste like fucking dog food.
And I mean that to be as though I know what dog food tastes like (I don't know). And by that, I mean that vegan cupcakes are a nasty, nasty deception. Yes, I get that not everybody wants to or can partake in animal-based products, but the main reason that real cupcakes taste so good has to do with one ingredient that is completely absent for their animal-friendly counterparts. Butter. Yep. Take the butter out of the equation and it tastes like sugary cardboard dog food. So don't be fooled by their good looks, vegan cupcakes are exactly how they sound. Disgusting.

xo

(alien cupcake pic courtesy Natalie Dee: http://www.nataliedee.com/)

not the same thing, part 3.

2009-05-14T13:53:00.002-06:00

AND

Well, okay, so technically they're one and the same... but shit, son. That's some bad aging right there.

newest fave twitter 'fail' page...

2009-05-13T13:13:00.003-06:00

For serious? Weirdo talking ice cream cone with useless/perchance mute caterpillar sidekick? Fuck, yes.

not the same thing, part 2.

2009-05-11T13:32:00.005-06:00

and

I had these two roommates who would constantly confuse the two. In hindsight, I think they were doing it on purpose to piss me off. Assholes.

not the same thing, part 1.

2009-05-11T10:40:00.005-06:00

These are NOT the same thing:

BAKLAVA and BALACLAVA.

Baklava:

Balaclava:

Any questions? Yeah, didn't think so.

important things to know.

2009-05-07T09:59:00.003-06:00

'I saw' NOT 'I seen'.

'I used to do...' NOT 'I use to do...'.

People who use UR in lieu of your/you're (and I'm talking outside of text messaging here... these people actually write in-office emails this way) only do so because they have NO IDEA which one they're supposed to use.

No, it is not EYE-talian. It never is.

If you're not sure how to pronounce something, ask first.

No, you may not listen to your iPod through earphones while driving a car.

Wearing a smaller shoe won't actually make your foot smaller. Just accept that you are a woman with size 10 feet already.

'I' before 'E', except after 'C' doesn't actually work in all cases (for example, 'WEIRD').

Ordering a diet coke with your double Big Mac meal doesn't make it healthier for you to eat.

No, you cannot still call yourself a vegetarian if you eat fish.

I don't trust anybody over the age of 25 who still doesn't own a dictionary.

xo

i don't want bobby learning about fishes what grow legs, or gays.

2009-05-05T08:23:00.002-06:00

Evolution classes optional under proposed Alberta law

Okay... while I am admittedly at times NOT the most liberal-minded person on Earth, I think this is stupid. I get that parents would ideally like their kids to grow up with their exact set of beliefs and principles, but to have the ability to deny them knowledge about topics as common as religion, and the theory of evolution? Please. I was a kid once, and I didn't really have a choice where learning about these things was concerned. When I grew older, I made up my own mind about everything that had been taught to me over the years, and either accepted it or called bullshit. The point is, kids will grow up to be whoever they are going to be eventually. There is very little parents can do to control that (outside of locking them in a basement closet, and feeding them minimally on water and gruel), so let them learn something. I obviously didn't agree with everything I learned over the course of my education with the Catholic School system, but at least learning about it allowed me to make up my mind WHY I didn't agree with it, rather than having my parents say "We don't believe in this stuff, you don't get to hear about it". Yes, religion is mostly smokescreens and snake oil, in my opinion, but that doesn't mean kids shouldn't learn about it first. And to those parents who want this bill to pass, give your heads a shake... or just fucking pull your kids out of the school system altogether and start the new Jonestown. You know you wanna.

swine flu.

2009-04-28T13:07:00.003-06:00

So, I think the general consensus amongst my friends is that this Swine Flu business is mostly just a mass overreaction, somewhere in the vein of West Nile Virus and SARS (remember SARS? And how everytime a Chinese person would cough or sneeze on the bus, everyone would get off at the next stop?). Anyway, one friend suggested that it seems pretty undignified to die of something called 'Swine Flu'. Totally. You may as well be dying of dehydration from the runs at that point. He thought 'Bacon Fever' sounded better. And tastier. And I agree.

BACON FEVER!!!

what the fuck is wrong with you people anyway?

2009-04-27T08:49:00.002-06:00

Gratitude. Apparently it's not something that people can be taught to have, and I tend to get bent out of shape about it. When someone does something for you, no matter how grudgingly it is done, or even if they are just doing it to not seem like 'that asshole who didn't even bother', you should just suck it up and be grateful that they did whatever it was for you at all. I'm not even joking. If I go out of my way to do something for you, appreciate it. I could have just as easily not bothered, and then where would you be? When someone feels unappreciated, the likelihood of them ever wanting to do anything for you (no matter how small or insignificant a thing) is not very high. For instance, if I go through trouble to show up at your stupid, out-of-town bachelorette party for a night (where I end up sleeping on a COUCH), do NOT get mad when I have to leave early the next day and ask "what's so important that you have to do on a Sunday anyway?". Show me some fucking gratitude because I came to a 'party' where all anyone did was talk about babies all night. That is a lot for me to put up with.

So yeah... gratitude. Grow some already.

friday twitter convo.

2009-04-24T10:55:00.002-06:00

>Problem solved. Hot chocolate mix in the office cabinet. Had to choose between "Hazelnut Passion" and "Chocolate Embrace".

>CHOCOLATE EMBRACE! Bahaha!

>I know. Sounds like a romance novel or porno.

>Seriously awful blaxploitation porno, at that.

>"Chocolate Embrace" with Pam Grier as Sexy Maid and William H. Marshall as Blacula. Sexy chocolate blood sucking.

>Great, now I'm thinking about Coming to America and the band Sexual Chocolate. I fucking love Eddie Murphy and Arsenio Hall together.

>Eddie Murphy and Arsenio Hall in 'Chocolate Embrace'...?

>Oooooh...you just blew my mind like Arsenio blows Eddie in that awesome pretend movie.

>HAHA! Methinks Mr. Murphy and Mr. Hall owe us some dough for 'pretend resurrecting' their careers...

son of a...

2009-04-23T08:45:00.004-06:00

I did my taxes. I didn't buy any RSPs (or RRSPs, or whatever they're called... I'm not one of those financial dudes), so let me tell you that my tax return was... AWESOME. And by awesome, I mean it was retarded. It was under $20. In fact, it was even under $18. Yep, the joys of being in a higher tax bracket this year. I figure that if I wanted a return of over $100, I would have had to contribute at least $23,000 to RRSPs.
Um... no thanks. I have enough trouble eating properly.

But that's no the point I want to get across today. Today I want to talk about my concern for the 'white bunnies' (well, they're actually jack rabbits or hares, I'm told). They hop around all winter, hidden by the snow, but in the spring time their fur changes color to blend them into their surroundings. Sorry this sounds like a grade 2 science class, but stay with me. This year, we had basically a 6 month long winter, so the bunnies are already brown... and last night it snowed again.

Let me show you my cause for concern (please click on the diagrams to make them bigger, so you can read the text):

Figure 1:

As you can see (or can't see, in the case of this beautifully rendered, and highly scientific diagram), the bunny is perfectly camouflaged against the snow.

Figure 2:

Now you can see that the bunny thought spring had come and decided he was going to turn brown (again... not sure that they actually 'decide' to do this, or if they're just on some kind of timer). Then it decided to snow again. Those are large, carnivorous birds eyeing him from up above.

Basically, I am worried that those birds are going to eat the bunnies.
That's kind of it.

xo

is it still a stagette party...

2009-04-15T09:27:00.002-06:00

... when people bring babies?

The reason I'm writing about this here is because this blog is mostly anonymous, and only really accessible to people who follow me on Twitter.

We all know how I feel about stagette parties in general... so now you all get to hear about the one I was recently invited to. Firstly, it is not in town. In fact, it is about 2.5 hours out of town, kind of in the middle of the province at a cabin. Secondly, they rented a hot tub and are now soliciting $25 a person to help pay for it. Okay, that's great and all, but I also have to pay for gas to get there and back... AND bring my own booze, AND bring a sleeping bag/air mattress/pillow/etc. because there are not enough beds for everyone at this cabin, and some of us will undoubtedly have to sleep on the floor. Dude... this is starting to seem like a lot to ask, but I guess that's not up to me. Sigh. Thirdly... three people are bringing babies.

Alright... hold the phone, there. Babies? And not like toddlers or anything, but full on babies, with the crying all night and shit. This is where I have to draw the line, I'm afraid. It's one thing to have to go on some overpriced camping-type expedition for someone's bachelorette party, but it's something totally else to have to put up with screaming infants for an entire weekend. Yes, I'm thirty-something, but I am still one of those people who honestly doesn't 'get' babies. I don't mind being around them... so long as I don't have to carry them, change their diapers, or any of the myriad things one has to do when dealing with babies. I like my child-free life where I can go to bed whenever I want, turn up the volume on the stereo when the mood strikes, and not have to fret about how the fuck I am one day going to be able to come up with the money to send my offspring to college. That is all besides the point, though. What I'm getting to is that a stagette/bachelorette weekend is no place for babies, and if everybody else thinks I'm mistaken, then I think I'll sit this one out. I'd rather sleep in my own bed, in silence.

texting and driving.

2009-04-14T10:15:00.002-06:00

Basically, you are a huge fucking moron if you think you can 'multitask' by text messaging someone on your phone at the same time as you are operating a motor vehicle.

What the hell is wrong with you? This morning (while I was driving my lovely and sort of crappy rental car, no less), there was this girl driving in the lane next to me who was texting someone. Needless to say, she wasn't watching the road. I was going to take a picture of it with my cellphone, but THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN GODDAMNED STUPID.
Instead, I honked the horn, and it startled her, causing her car to swerve a bit. Luckily she was far enough away from me and the other cars so she didn't hit anything.
Yeah, so that was sort of a dangerous stunt, but I wanted to prove a point. So, did I? Nope. After that happened, she went right back to looking at her phone.

Who are you people, and why are you still allowed to drive?
I hope your car flips over on the highway.

we tweet all day long.

2009-04-07T14:27:00.002-06:00

Seriously, these days the best conversations are started on Twitter.

@squidpod Yep. A big thumbs down to Rock Band. Sorry all who like it... just learn to play real instruments already. Even if it's bagpipes.

squidpod@missvoltage Although I totally would buy an all bag-pipe game...

missvoltage@squidpod Haha! But I guess it would be more like wii fit than a music game...? w/ the main objective being to increase your lung capacity.

squidpodNote to self invent "Bag-Pipe Hero"

NotoriousSUZ@squidpod should be sold in a combo back with Didgerid-ero

missvoltage@NotoriousSUZ @squidpod BAGPIPE HERO w/ didgeridoo extension pack. Brilliant. Would be a good drinking game, I'm guessing.

Business as usual.

i don't have to do anything.

2009-03-30T08:21:00.002-06:00

I would post a video that my friend took on my cell phone of me 'snowboarding' (in quotes because I just learned how on Saturday after two failed attempts from years ago), but I'm the asshole who lost the Bluetooth chip for my phone... so everything is basically stuck on there and I can't get it off. Typical. But anyway, that's how I spent my weekend. I didn't even have any epic bails or anything, which probably means I'm getting slightly better at sports. Frightening.

Anyway... the Monday Hate-on.

1) Okay, this isn't something I 'hate' per se, just something I'm worried about. You know (well, for those of you who live in the Cowtown) those bunnies (or maybe they're jackrabbits? Hares?) that are all over the place that are brown in summer and turn white in winter (the ones I'm always saying 'OMG, WHITE BUNNIES!!!' about)?

Well, we've had a really long and snowy winter, but now it is technically spring.
The bunnies turn white in winter so they won't be easily caught by predators since they are camouflaged by the snow... but I noticed today that they are already starting to turn brown due to it no longer actually being winter... but there is still so much snow on the ground. Does this mean they're going to get eaten by stuff??? Ugh, I hope not.

2) I hate insurance companies. All of them. And I probably don't care much for people who sell insurance either!

3) My working hours are 8 to 4. Everyday. No, I will not adjust them just because I am doing work for some scientist or other who flat-out refuses to come into work before 10:30. Fuck that- I'm by no means a morning person, but I force myself to be at my job at an ungodly hour just because who the hell wants to still be at work at 6? Maybe someday these people might want to try working on MY schedule.

That's it, that's all. And here is your cool link of the day:

This picture was made using the contents of an old cassette tape.
Click here to see more.

parking lesson... with diagrams!

2009-03-25T09:21:00.004-06:00

If you already now how to properly park a car in a parking lot stall, then just ignore this altogether. Or maybe don't... it's sort of worth it for the crappy Microsoft Paint diagrams. I suck at drawing with a mouse.

Click on the pics if you can't read the text... I am also apparently bad at judging what text size is legible to most people.

the monday hate-on.

2009-03-23T09:56:00.002-06:00

Welcome to the first installment of 'The Monday Hate-on', a list of random complaints, dished out in my typically acerbic manner. Feel free to post angry comments... I'll feel just as free to delete them if I don't like them :)

1) Don't you hate it when you go to Starbucks (or any similarly-styled coffee house), tell your order to the barista/cashier person, then they go and repeat to you what is essentially your order... but substituting all your words with snobby, coffee-house lingo? It's like, fuck you, I don't care for all your dumb, made-up words for things as simple as 'water', 'foam', or 'large'. If I mean I want a 'large' sized beverage, that's EXACTLY what I mean. Now make my drink, and it had better not be lukewarm, or you are so not getting a tip.

2) Why is most peoples' first course of action to phone me in a panic when they can't figure something out? This is especially a piss-off when I agree to drop whatever it is I am doing to help them... only to arrive on the scene to find that, in the mean time, they have found a solution to their problem, and no longer require my help. So... JUST WHY IN THE HELL COULDN'T YOU HAVE PHONED ME RIGHT AFTER YOU FIGURED IT OUT? I think people just like wasting my time.

3) If you're not sure how to pronounce something, for God's sakes, don't say it out loud. No, really, trust me on this one. It will save you a world of embarrassment and ridicule. Like those idiot girls at 7-11 on Saturday... I think they meant TAQUITOS... but they kept saying TOSQUITOS. What the fuck? Where are you getting that from? They're so lucky I didn't pick a fight over it.

TAQUITO

4) I'm starting to get increasingly angry about people not having drivers' licenses when they are older than 21. I am especially annoyed by it when these people start complaining that it takes them 'forever' to get around on the bus. I mean, seriously. Seriously? It's not hard to drive a car. REALLY not hard. It's also not that hard to get a license to drive one... most of us passed the test in 1-2 tries.
Don't complain about the slowness of public transportation if you can't even be bothered to learn how to drive. The rest of us consider you a special kind of stupid.

5) Stop asking me if this is my natural hair color. It's not. In fact, it's a custom color created for me by my hairstylist (it's called 'Veronica Lodge'... that's right, it has a name). Just so you know, I think that people who actually believe that jet or blue black hair exists in nature are complete morons. Just so you know.

6) If you're someone who likes to shake hands with people, can you at least wash your hands? I can't stand poor hygiene in general... but the worst is people who don't consider hand washing all that important. Also, I guess I have enough trust issues that I have trouble believing that MOST people wash their hands often enough at all. Don't feel insulted if I won't shake your hand... I just don't want to catch 'hand herpes' or whatever kind of sickness that you might be choosing to share with me.

xo

sweet.

2009-03-22T20:59:00.002-06:00

Now here's a book that's right up my alley:

Make the Bible Work for You

Can't wait to get to the part where it justifies me doing asshole things to my shitty neighbors. I wonder if that includes digging a moat around their house and filling it with alligators.

if i had a $100. oh wait... i do.

2009-03-18T11:40:00.002-06:00

V. Cool article from March 7th found on the Opinion page of nytimes.com

For Sale: The $100 House

oh rad.

2009-03-14T15:52:00.002-06:00

My friend posted this on Twitter today, and I figured I'd stick it on here too... it's really too insane to not post:

YouTube... Mixed!

No, really, click. This is something way cooler than you'll ever be able to do.

coral reef.

2009-03-12T10:34:00.001-06:00

Found on Boing Boing:

Amadee Coral Reef New Caledonia in New Caledonia

don't lie, you can't read.

2009-03-12T10:05:00.002-06:00

Things that people think are gross that are actually good:

1) Kimchi

2) Sashimi

3) Hot dogs (yeah, yeah, they're made of the 'leftovers'... but who cares?)

4) Dried, seasoned seaweed

5) Quail eggs

6) Escargot

7) Pork rinds

8) Corned beef in a can (no, really, fry it up with some potatoes)

9) Pickled eggs

Things that people think are good that are actually gross:

1) Vegan cupcakes (sorry, but my sources- and experiences- tell me that it's eggs and butter that make these babies taste good)

2) Sweet and sour pork (again, something made of 'leftovers'... but to me, 'rubbery' and 'gristly' are two textures that I just can't stomach)

3) Half-cooked bacon (bacon is supposed to be crispy, not wiggly. Ewwwww... 'wiggly'...)

4) Um... I think that's it. Whatever else I was going to put on this list is probably stuff that people think is gross... and actually is gross.

make it stop.

2009-03-10T10:24:00.002-06:00

Or not. I can't decide if these people have entirely too much time on their hands... or they're really kinda rad (albeit, sort of scary).

waste & tragedy.

2009-03-10T08:08:00.003-06:00

I was sort of impressed at first watching this video... and then I was concerned, and then I was just downright upset at the blatant lack of concern for the environment displayed... and then I got over it and went back to being impressed. Who NEEDS a garburator anyway???

goats!

2009-03-09T20:03:00.003-06:00

I saw a picture of these little goat guys in National Geographic, climbing trees in Morocco. It looks like a joke, but read about them here:

Goats in Trees?

And now watch a video of them:

um... yuck?

2009-03-09T19:48:00.003-06:00

I hope this is real... or maybe not really. It's pretty disgusting.
The grossest thing I've ever eaten is a peanut butter and eggplant sandwich. Yep... just as sick as it sounds.

life on mars?

2009-03-08T10:04:00.002-06:00

I think now everybody knows that I want one of these. A friend of mine up actually does own one... but sadly won't let me have it. I did offer him money for it, but he refused. I don't blame him; these turntables are a really great addition to a living space (if you're into the whole vintage thing, or just have really strange taste in decor... I'm the latter). Anyway, the model is the Circadome and it was manufactured in the 70s by Electrohome (Canadian company). You will be my best friend if you successfully track one down for me (bonus points if you purchase it... don't worry, I will pay you back!).

xoVoltage