10.04.2011
true story
I chose you because I want to keep feeling fucked up, and crazy, and out of control, and completely overwhelmed about you for as long as I possibly can.
10.03.2011
dirtbag life
Ah, blog. How I've missed you. I know I don't update this thing much, but every once in awhile I have something to say that no one gives a shit about, so it's always good to have.
Lately, I'm kind of a train wreck. I'm saying this in comparison to last year, when I was at my best. This year started off okay, but it's been a shaky one for sure. Particularly throughout the summer. I've been trying to stay in shape, but recently I think my weight loss may have more to do with not eating properly and binge alcoholism than actually training for anything. I still run, but not seriously. In fact, I'm in my own head about a ton of things these days, and it comes across as that I'm a little all over the place right now; erratic and non-committal.
One good thing is that I'm definitely forging stronger relationships with certain people- being a little better at not falling off the face of the Earth for long periods of time and not telling anyone where I've gone. I'm also taking the time to evaluate the role of certain others in my life- people who I might be ready to move on from. But I think the major shift in me of late has more to do with the realization that I may be getting too comfortable, too settled into a routine. And even though it may seem to everyone like that's a good thing... I see it more as that I'm starting to lose who I am. And I'm aware that that's what is truly at the heart of all of this 'running rad in the streets' business that has been going on with me over the past little while. You'd assume that with everybody settling down around me it would seem logical for me to do the same... and hell yeah, it might be nice to settle down someday, but I've given it a lot of serious thought over the past week or so, and there's just something deep down that tells me it is not the time... so it seems that I've got some hard choices to make. This all sounds so melodramatic, but I've got to make sure that I don't let the person I truly am slip away in the interest of making everybody else around me happy. Because that would be easy, but you can't please everyone all the time.
It's weird how one conversation can change everything so drastically. A couple of months ago I sort of thought I knew what I wanted... and then just a little over a week ago, it all came unravelled in one night. Sometimes you make the strongest connections with the most unexpected people. People who make you take a better look around. And I guess that I'm just not ready to give up my dirtbag ways. I'll never be ready to conform to the masses. I'm the kind of girl who just wants what she wants, when she wants it. I can't be bought, told, coaxed, or convinced. I won't always make the best choices. In fact, I know I still have a lot of fucking up to do... but it's not a bad thing. It's what keeps my heart beating.
Lately, I'm kind of a train wreck. I'm saying this in comparison to last year, when I was at my best. This year started off okay, but it's been a shaky one for sure. Particularly throughout the summer. I've been trying to stay in shape, but recently I think my weight loss may have more to do with not eating properly and binge alcoholism than actually training for anything. I still run, but not seriously. In fact, I'm in my own head about a ton of things these days, and it comes across as that I'm a little all over the place right now; erratic and non-committal.
One good thing is that I'm definitely forging stronger relationships with certain people- being a little better at not falling off the face of the Earth for long periods of time and not telling anyone where I've gone. I'm also taking the time to evaluate the role of certain others in my life- people who I might be ready to move on from. But I think the major shift in me of late has more to do with the realization that I may be getting too comfortable, too settled into a routine. And even though it may seem to everyone like that's a good thing... I see it more as that I'm starting to lose who I am. And I'm aware that that's what is truly at the heart of all of this 'running rad in the streets' business that has been going on with me over the past little while. You'd assume that with everybody settling down around me it would seem logical for me to do the same... and hell yeah, it might be nice to settle down someday, but I've given it a lot of serious thought over the past week or so, and there's just something deep down that tells me it is not the time... so it seems that I've got some hard choices to make. This all sounds so melodramatic, but I've got to make sure that I don't let the person I truly am slip away in the interest of making everybody else around me happy. Because that would be easy, but you can't please everyone all the time.
It's weird how one conversation can change everything so drastically. A couple of months ago I sort of thought I knew what I wanted... and then just a little over a week ago, it all came unravelled in one night. Sometimes you make the strongest connections with the most unexpected people. People who make you take a better look around. And I guess that I'm just not ready to give up my dirtbag ways. I'll never be ready to conform to the masses. I'm the kind of girl who just wants what she wants, when she wants it. I can't be bought, told, coaxed, or convinced. I won't always make the best choices. In fact, I know I still have a lot of fucking up to do... but it's not a bad thing. It's what keeps my heart beating.
9.06.2011
we'll know where we are when we get there.
Stuff.
a) I bought a vacuum cleaner. Sure, it's probably a hell of a lot crappier than I can actually afford, but let's be honest here, I just need something to suck up all the dog fur that isn't a hand-vac. Do you know how long that takes even in an apartment of relatively small square footage? Like, a million years. Don't worry, though, I balanced my adult-type decision out with a few unnecessary purchases at ye olde community health food store.
b) Sometimes I read through ages old journals and realize what a truly fucked person I was. Not that I'm a super fantastic person currently, but I'm probably much closer to being Jesus now than I was in my 20s. It's been years and years since I've blackmailed anybody... I must be doing something right.
c) The boys who cheated on their girlfriends with me throughout the years were always way hotter than the ones who were actually my boyfriends.
d) It's funny that certain people are pretty much my best friends ever on Earth as long as we don't live in the same city... but then when we do? Not even an email requesting a random hangout. What the fuck? I'm starting to see some serious 'friends off' happening in the near future.
e) I think I might be having a midlife crisis about work versus school. I'm actually considering putting the condo on the market and taking a leave of absence from my job to go back to school full time so that I can become something really awesome in my 40s. This is probably a really horrible idea.
f) I need to join a gym.
g) A lot of people say that YYZ is really alienating, but I disagree. I feel more alienated and alone in YYC. Why no love for me, YYC? It's like you want me to leave.
h) There is no h). This blog post is all propaganda, anyway.
xo
a) I bought a vacuum cleaner. Sure, it's probably a hell of a lot crappier than I can actually afford, but let's be honest here, I just need something to suck up all the dog fur that isn't a hand-vac. Do you know how long that takes even in an apartment of relatively small square footage? Like, a million years. Don't worry, though, I balanced my adult-type decision out with a few unnecessary purchases at ye olde community health food store.
b) Sometimes I read through ages old journals and realize what a truly fucked person I was. Not that I'm a super fantastic person currently, but I'm probably much closer to being Jesus now than I was in my 20s. It's been years and years since I've blackmailed anybody... I must be doing something right.
c) The boys who cheated on their girlfriends with me throughout the years were always way hotter than the ones who were actually my boyfriends.
d) It's funny that certain people are pretty much my best friends ever on Earth as long as we don't live in the same city... but then when we do? Not even an email requesting a random hangout. What the fuck? I'm starting to see some serious 'friends off' happening in the near future.
e) I think I might be having a midlife crisis about work versus school. I'm actually considering putting the condo on the market and taking a leave of absence from my job to go back to school full time so that I can become something really awesome in my 40s. This is probably a really horrible idea.
f) I need to join a gym.
g) A lot of people say that YYZ is really alienating, but I disagree. I feel more alienated and alone in YYC. Why no love for me, YYC? It's like you want me to leave.
h) There is no h). This blog post is all propaganda, anyway.
xo
8.22.2011
July 18th, 1950 - August 22nd, 2011
There are no words. This man took the NDP (my political affiliation of choice) to heights I never imagined achievable. He will be missed terribly not only in politics, but Canada in general. Godspeed, Jack.
8.12.2011
blah blah this that blah blah is this thing even on?
Yeah, so I pretty much never post here anymore. I don't care; it's my blog, and I will post here (or not post here) whenever the fuck I feel like it. Too much time between posts = I am busy or there just isn't anything really worthwhile to post about.
But today I would like to go on a tiny little rant about something. And that thing is people who fake stupidity/naivete to get people to feel sorry for them, resulting in them getting something they want. Here's how it is... 19-year-old me would've been all over that. Like, hard core all over that. I mean, what's better than people just handing shit to you on a gilded fucking platter, even if it's a total pity party?
34-year-old me? I just think it's wrong. And by wrong, I mean wrong enough to rat those lousy folks out to someone. Okay, so if it's someone who I've confirmed is truly dumb (or truly lives under a goddamned rock), then whatevs. I can live with it because those types of peeps need a leg up sometimes or they're just gonna get hit by a bus for nothing. But I'm pretty observant. Make that very observant. I'm the kind of gal who just quietly takes everything in under the pretence of not noticing, but then forms very strong judgements based on those observations. You do NOT want to get on the bad side of someone like me. But that aside, I notice when people are just pretending not to know what's what, and I notice when they use this particular tactic to take advantage of others. For example, people who pretend to be way more ESL than they actually are, thus, getting people to help them with things (read: actually do the work for them) more than is truly required. WTF is that? I know I'm going to hell when I die... but apparently so are you.
I don't know where I meant to go with this other than STOP DOING THIS. It does not go unnoticed. And just because I haven't done it yet does not mean you are safe from me NARCing you out at some point. Because I WILL do it.
That's the end of my rant. True story.
But today I would like to go on a tiny little rant about something. And that thing is people who fake stupidity/naivete to get people to feel sorry for them, resulting in them getting something they want. Here's how it is... 19-year-old me would've been all over that. Like, hard core all over that. I mean, what's better than people just handing shit to you on a gilded fucking platter, even if it's a total pity party?
34-year-old me? I just think it's wrong. And by wrong, I mean wrong enough to rat those lousy folks out to someone. Okay, so if it's someone who I've confirmed is truly dumb (or truly lives under a goddamned rock), then whatevs. I can live with it because those types of peeps need a leg up sometimes or they're just gonna get hit by a bus for nothing. But I'm pretty observant. Make that very observant. I'm the kind of gal who just quietly takes everything in under the pretence of not noticing, but then forms very strong judgements based on those observations. You do NOT want to get on the bad side of someone like me. But that aside, I notice when people are just pretending not to know what's what, and I notice when they use this particular tactic to take advantage of others. For example, people who pretend to be way more ESL than they actually are, thus, getting people to help them with things (read: actually do the work for them) more than is truly required. WTF is that? I know I'm going to hell when I die... but apparently so are you.
I don't know where I meant to go with this other than STOP DOING THIS. It does not go unnoticed. And just because I haven't done it yet does not mean you are safe from me NARCing you out at some point. Because I WILL do it.
That's the end of my rant. True story.
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