the deal-breakers.

We all have them. And some of us have more than others. Like me, for instance. But that's probably because I'm paranoid/picky/particular.

Top Ten Deal-breakers

1) You make fun of the fact that I love the movie 'Footloose', and even go so far as refuse to watch it with me. Okay... seriously? What am I supposed to believe, that all you ever watch are French art films? Because I'm not buying it. I'm not saying that it's any sort of cinematic masterpiece... but it's highly quotable, has a killer soundtrack, and it has Kevin Bacon dancing in it. Kevin. Bacon. Dancing. See? Doesn't seem all that preposterous when I spell it out like that. In fact, I like a whole ton of movies with the same kind of story line and catchy tunes. Sue me.

2) You force me to consume meals after 8 pm constantly. Not eating meals after 8 is not stupid, it's how I keep myself from having to upsize my wardrobe every few years. If your lifestyle can't accommodate my eating habits, then too bad for you.

3) You dress badly. Now, I've put up with a lot of shitty fashion choices in my day (both from myself, and from boyfriends), so now it's time to just lay it out and there and say that the way you dress either reflects well or poorly on me. I'm sorry, but when you're a guy over 30, growing your hair out is not an option. Neither is wearing a toque and a hoodie everywhere you go... especially if you've got me in tow. I take pride in my appearance, and I resent any guy who makes a mockery of that by always looking like he's going to the bar to watch the game with the boys... in 1985.

4) You have mediocre to poor personal hygiene. Alright, so when I was in college everybody was sort of sloppy in this area. But it was the grunge era. As a whole, people were greasier, smoked more weed, and slept in a lot later. Fast forward to today. You are in your 30's. You can probably identify as some sort of a professional (unless you actually can't... we'll get to that soon...). What exactly is so hard about taking a shower every day? And if I'm going to have to make out with you, could you at least brush your teeth (and not in a half-assed way where you just wet your toothbrush down... I mean for real, with flossing and toothpaste and all that)? Additionally, don't do that thing where you reach into a pile of clothes, sniff everything, then pick what smells the least offensive and wear that. I will know that's what you did.

5) You still work at some slacker sort of job. If it was an okay job when you were in your early to mid 20's, chances are it is still an okay job... for someone in their early to mid 20's. As independent as I am, I cringe when a man of a certain age still struggles hard to pay the rent. I'm not opposed to paying when we go out (I'm all for equality in a relationship), but there's something nice about a guy who will always pay the bill before I even have the chance to see it. I really dislike hearing the following: "If you pay for this on your debit/credit card, I will pay you back in cash later". Why the fuck are we even going anywhere if you don't have the money?

6)You are constantly saying "I'm a nice guy.". Um... okay, I GET it already. If you're really such a nice guy, why the hell do you have to keep saying it out loud? It's pretty much the equivalent of saying "I'm not a nice guy.". I don't really need to hear either one of those things; I will determine on my own whether or not you are worthy of me sticking around for the long haul.

7) You won't hold my hand at the movies, but you have no problem with groping me inappropriately in public. Seriously... don't fucking touch me. Ew.

8) You ask me to grow my hair out... but if I ask you to shave off your homeless-looking beard, or cut off your mullet, you get all bent out of shape. Hey, if you won't compromise, neither will I. It's how I operate. Also, I like having short hair... so if that's not your thing, you have ample opportunity to bail.

9) You don't like animals. No, not like that... but if I get a hesitant reaction when I mention that I have a dog, then I know it probably won't work out.

10) You never listen to anything I say, and therefore have no idea who I even am. To be fair, sometimes my mind drifts mid-conversation, but I always keep my ears open for important things a guy tells me about himself. It's helpful for times like birthdays or Christmas, or just if I happen to spot something while window shopping. When you take me to the mall a month after my birthday and say "pick something out that you want, and I'll buy it", then I know it's all been going in one ear and out the other. My favorite bands, kinds of food, books, movies, etc. should all be stored in your little brain somewhere.



What are your deal-breakers?

another comprehensive list.

Likes:

1) First kisses with someone new (or just full on make-outs on the street).

2) Never having to wear heels.

3) Carrot juice.

4) Realizing that my pants fit a little looser than they did last week.

5) Yelling at kids to 'pick up yer fuckin' garbage, and get the hell off my property!'

6) Finding out I'm really a morning person, and that I've just been repressing it with years of staying out too late.

7) Unexpected deals at the supermarket. And no, I don't mean stealing.


Dislikes:

1) Periodically missing smoking, even though the exposure to it now makes me sick.

2) People who get angry when I constantly apologize for things. Um... maybe I AM legitimately sorry, dickfarmer. Fuck.

3) Finding mold on the bread when I'm already halfway through the loaf.

4) Loving everything about a movie except for the ending.

5) Never finding anything good when I Google my own name. I mean, not like I think I'm so awesome and that there should be volumes about me out there... it's just disappointing to find that I'm really fucking boring.

6) Not knowing where certain smells are coming from in my home.

7) People who won't shake hands with me. I don't have herpes, motherfucker. Also, I always carry a bottle of hand sanitizer in my purse. You can borrow it after you've shaken my obviously diseased hand. Fuckface.

xo

life lessons, as taught by miss voltage.

1) Everybody is a bunch of dinks. Yes... EVERYBODY.

2) If there are only 30 morons in the world, chances are you will either end up working with all 30 of them, or that you ARE one of them.

3) Throw deserving people under the bus while it's still an option.

4) A flight of stairs looks like this:



5) Just because something has an expiry date on it that has come and gone doesn't mean you can't still eat it.

6) If you actually need to ask for someone's opinion on how an outfit looks, it looks fucking terrible.

7) Redheads always seem to compare themselves to whoever the token hot ginger celebrity is. Do you have a mirror at home? You look like the love child of Carrot Top and Danny Bonaduce for crying out loud.

8) The squeaky wheel does not get the grease... it gets ignored until the car breaks down in the middle of fucking nowhere, then you have to hitch a ride into town with Jedediah the Inbred Farm Freak.

9) It's 2009. If you still can't read my blog because you don't have a computer... then fuck you.

word.

Last week I had a half-hour-long argument with my dad about what a flight of stairs consists of. Here's how it went. For seriously 30 minutes.










etc., etc.

The basis of the argument was that when you get furniture delivered, it costs $20/flight of stairs after the first two for buildings with no elevator. Which is fine. But I said that in my building there are 5 flights of stairs, my dad said no, there are only 2 and a half.

Whatever.

Fast forward to yesterday when the guys came to deliver my furniture.

Delivery dude: "It says on your form that there are 2 flights of stairs so there's no extra charge... but I count 5."

Me: "Uh, yeah. I had this huge argument with my father about what a flight of stairs actually is, and he just always wants to be right so I agreed with him to get him to stop telling me that I don't know as much as he does."

Delivery dude (laughing) "Oh... well, unfortunately we do have to charge you $60 for the 3 extra flights."

Me (shrugging) "Sure. I kinda figured. You know, since I knew I was right and everything."

Moral of the story:






Just because your parents have been around since black and white TV doesn't mean they know what the hell they're talking about.

where's the 'on' button....?

Whoops. So I haven't posted anything here for almost a month. Meh... blogging is so 2001.





Of course, you will receive an email (or phone call) shortly after from Mom/Dad/Grandma/etc. asking you what the fuck a flowchart is... and how one works.

Goddamnit.

xo