the deal-breakers.

We all have them. And some of us have more than others. Like me, for instance. But that's probably because I'm paranoid/picky/particular.

Top Ten Deal-breakers

1) You make fun of the fact that I love the movie 'Footloose', and even go so far as refuse to watch it with me. Okay... seriously? What am I supposed to believe, that all you ever watch are French art films? Because I'm not buying it. I'm not saying that it's any sort of cinematic masterpiece... but it's highly quotable, has a killer soundtrack, and it has Kevin Bacon dancing in it. Kevin. Bacon. Dancing. See? Doesn't seem all that preposterous when I spell it out like that. In fact, I like a whole ton of movies with the same kind of story line and catchy tunes. Sue me.

2) You force me to consume meals after 8 pm constantly. Not eating meals after 8 is not stupid, it's how I keep myself from having to upsize my wardrobe every few years. If your lifestyle can't accommodate my eating habits, then too bad for you.

3) You dress badly. Now, I've put up with a lot of shitty fashion choices in my day (both from myself, and from boyfriends), so now it's time to just lay it out and there and say that the way you dress either reflects well or poorly on me. I'm sorry, but when you're a guy over 30, growing your hair out is not an option. Neither is wearing a toque and a hoodie everywhere you go... especially if you've got me in tow. I take pride in my appearance, and I resent any guy who makes a mockery of that by always looking like he's going to the bar to watch the game with the boys... in 1985.

4) You have mediocre to poor personal hygiene. Alright, so when I was in college everybody was sort of sloppy in this area. But it was the grunge era. As a whole, people were greasier, smoked more weed, and slept in a lot later. Fast forward to today. You are in your 30's. You can probably identify as some sort of a professional (unless you actually can't... we'll get to that soon...). What exactly is so hard about taking a shower every day? And if I'm going to have to make out with you, could you at least brush your teeth (and not in a half-assed way where you just wet your toothbrush down... I mean for real, with flossing and toothpaste and all that)? Additionally, don't do that thing where you reach into a pile of clothes, sniff everything, then pick what smells the least offensive and wear that. I will know that's what you did.

5) You still work at some slacker sort of job. If it was an okay job when you were in your early to mid 20's, chances are it is still an okay job... for someone in their early to mid 20's. As independent as I am, I cringe when a man of a certain age still struggles hard to pay the rent. I'm not opposed to paying when we go out (I'm all for equality in a relationship), but there's something nice about a guy who will always pay the bill before I even have the chance to see it. I really dislike hearing the following: "If you pay for this on your debit/credit card, I will pay you back in cash later". Why the fuck are we even going anywhere if you don't have the money?

6)You are constantly saying "I'm a nice guy.". Um... okay, I GET it already. If you're really such a nice guy, why the hell do you have to keep saying it out loud? It's pretty much the equivalent of saying "I'm not a nice guy.". I don't really need to hear either one of those things; I will determine on my own whether or not you are worthy of me sticking around for the long haul.

7) You won't hold my hand at the movies, but you have no problem with groping me inappropriately in public. Seriously... don't fucking touch me. Ew.

8) You ask me to grow my hair out... but if I ask you to shave off your homeless-looking beard, or cut off your mullet, you get all bent out of shape. Hey, if you won't compromise, neither will I. It's how I operate. Also, I like having short hair... so if that's not your thing, you have ample opportunity to bail.

9) You don't like animals. No, not like that... but if I get a hesitant reaction when I mention that I have a dog, then I know it probably won't work out.

10) You never listen to anything I say, and therefore have no idea who I even am. To be fair, sometimes my mind drifts mid-conversation, but I always keep my ears open for important things a guy tells me about himself. It's helpful for times like birthdays or Christmas, or just if I happen to spot something while window shopping. When you take me to the mall a month after my birthday and say "pick something out that you want, and I'll buy it", then I know it's all been going in one ear and out the other. My favorite bands, kinds of food, books, movies, etc. should all be stored in your little brain somewhere.

What are your deal-breakers?

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