swine flu.

So, I think the general consensus amongst my friends is that this Swine Flu business is mostly just a mass overreaction, somewhere in the vein of West Nile Virus and SARS (remember SARS? And how everytime a Chinese person would cough or sneeze on the bus, everyone would get off at the next stop?). Anyway, one friend suggested that it seems pretty undignified to die of something called 'Swine Flu'. Totally. You may as well be dying of dehydration from the runs at that point. He thought 'Bacon Fever' sounded better. And tastier. And I agree.



what the fuck is wrong with you people anyway?

Gratitude. Apparently it's not something that people can be taught to have, and I tend to get bent out of shape about it. When someone does something for you, no matter how grudgingly it is done, or even if they are just doing it to not seem like 'that asshole who didn't even bother', you should just suck it up and be grateful that they did whatever it was for you at all. I'm not even joking. If I go out of my way to do something for you, appreciate it. I could have just as easily not bothered, and then where would you be? When someone feels unappreciated, the likelihood of them ever wanting to do anything for you (no matter how small or insignificant a thing) is not very high. For instance, if I go through trouble to show up at your stupid, out-of-town bachelorette party for a night (where I end up sleeping on a COUCH), do NOT get mad when I have to leave early the next day and ask "what's so important that you have to do on a Sunday anyway?". Show me some fucking gratitude because I came to a 'party' where all anyone did was talk about babies all night. That is a lot for me to put up with.

So yeah... gratitude. Grow some already.


friday twitter convo.

>Problem solved. Hot chocolate mix in the office cabinet. Had to choose between "Hazelnut Passion" and "Chocolate Embrace".


>I know. Sounds like a romance novel or porno.

>Seriously awful blaxploitation porno, at that.

>"Chocolate Embrace" with Pam Grier as Sexy Maid and William H. Marshall as Blacula. Sexy chocolate blood sucking.

>Great, now I'm thinking about Coming to America and the band Sexual Chocolate. I fucking love Eddie Murphy and Arsenio Hall together.

>Eddie Murphy and Arsenio Hall in 'Chocolate Embrace'...?

>Oooooh...you just blew my mind like Arsenio blows Eddie in that awesome pretend movie.

>HAHA! Methinks Mr. Murphy and Mr. Hall owe us some dough for 'pretend resurrecting' their careers...


son of a...

I did my taxes. I didn't buy any RSPs (or RRSPs, or whatever they're called... I'm not one of those financial dudes), so let me tell you that my tax return was... AWESOME. And by awesome, I mean it was retarded. It was under $20. In fact, it was even under $18. Yep, the joys of being in a higher tax bracket this year. I figure that if I wanted a return of over $100, I would have had to contribute at least $23,000 to RRSPs.
Um... no thanks. I have enough trouble eating properly.

But that's no the point I want to get across today. Today I want to talk about my concern for the 'white bunnies' (well, they're actually jack rabbits or hares, I'm told). They hop around all winter, hidden by the snow, but in the spring time their fur changes color to blend them into their surroundings. Sorry this sounds like a grade 2 science class, but stay with me. This year, we had basically a 6 month long winter, so the bunnies are already brown... and last night it snowed again.

Let me show you my cause for concern (please click on the diagrams to make them bigger, so you can read the text):

Figure 1:

As you can see (or can't see, in the case of this beautifully rendered, and highly scientific diagram), the bunny is perfectly camouflaged against the snow.

Figure 2:

Now you can see that the bunny thought spring had come and decided he was going to turn brown (again... not sure that they actually 'decide' to do this, or if they're just on some kind of timer). Then it decided to snow again. Those are large, carnivorous birds eyeing him from up above.

Basically, I am worried that those birds are going to eat the bunnies.
That's kind of it.



is it still a stagette party...

... when people bring babies?

The reason I'm writing about this here is because this blog is mostly anonymous, and only really accessible to people who follow me on Twitter.

We all know how I feel about stagette parties in general... so now you all get to hear about the one I was recently invited to. Firstly, it is not in town. In fact, it is about 2.5 hours out of town, kind of in the middle of the province at a cabin. Secondly, they rented a hot tub and are now soliciting $25 a person to help pay for it. Okay, that's great and all, but I also have to pay for gas to get there and back... AND bring my own booze, AND bring a sleeping bag/air mattress/pillow/etc. because there are not enough beds for everyone at this cabin, and some of us will undoubtedly have to sleep on the floor. Dude... this is starting to seem like a lot to ask, but I guess that's not up to me. Sigh. Thirdly... three people are bringing babies.

Alright... hold the phone, there. Babies? And not like toddlers or anything, but full on babies, with the crying all night and shit. This is where I have to draw the line, I'm afraid. It's one thing to have to go on some overpriced camping-type expedition for someone's bachelorette party, but it's something totally else to have to put up with screaming infants for an entire weekend. Yes, I'm thirty-something, but I am still one of those people who honestly doesn't 'get' babies. I don't mind being around them... so long as I don't have to carry them, change their diapers, or any of the myriad things one has to do when dealing with babies. I like my child-free life where I can go to bed whenever I want, turn up the volume on the stereo when the mood strikes, and not have to fret about how the fuck I am one day going to be able to come up with the money to send my offspring to college. That is all besides the point, though. What I'm getting to is that a stagette/bachelorette weekend is no place for babies, and if everybody else thinks I'm mistaken, then I think I'll sit this one out. I'd rather sleep in my own bed, in silence.


texting and driving.

Basically, you are a huge fucking moron if you think you can 'multitask' by text messaging someone on your phone at the same time as you are operating a motor vehicle.

What the hell is wrong with you? This morning (while I was driving my lovely and sort of crappy rental car, no less), there was this girl driving in the lane next to me who was texting someone. Needless to say, she wasn't watching the road. I was going to take a picture of it with my cellphone, but THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN GODDAMNED STUPID.
Instead, I honked the horn, and it startled her, causing her car to swerve a bit. Luckily she was far enough away from me and the other cars so she didn't hit anything.
Yeah, so that was sort of a dangerous stunt, but I wanted to prove a point. So, did I? Nope. After that happened, she went right back to looking at her phone.

Who are you people, and why are you still allowed to drive?
I hope your car flips over on the highway.


we tweet all day long.

Seriously, these days the best conversations are started on Twitter.

@squidpod Yep. A big thumbs down to Rock Band. Sorry all who like it... just learn to play real instruments already. Even if it's bagpipes.

squidpod@missvoltage Although I totally would buy an all bag-pipe game...

missvoltage@squidpod Haha! But I guess it would be more like wii fit than a music game...? w/ the main objective being to increase your lung capacity.

squidpodNote to self invent "Bag-Pipe Hero"

NotoriousSUZ@squidpod should be sold in a combo back with Didgerid-ero

missvoltage@NotoriousSUZ @squidpod BAGPIPE HERO w/ didgeridoo extension pack. Brilliant. Would be a good drinking game, I'm guessing.

Business as usual.