life lessons, as taught by miss voltage.

1) Everybody is a bunch of dinks. Yes... EVERYBODY.

2) If there are only 30 morons in the world, chances are you will either end up working with all 30 of them, or that you ARE one of them.

3) Throw deserving people under the bus while it's still an option.

4) A flight of stairs looks like this:

5) Just because something has an expiry date on it that has come and gone doesn't mean you can't still eat it.

6) If you actually need to ask for someone's opinion on how an outfit looks, it looks fucking terrible.

7) Redheads always seem to compare themselves to whoever the token hot ginger celebrity is. Do you have a mirror at home? You look like the love child of Carrot Top and Danny Bonaduce for crying out loud.

8) The squeaky wheel does not get the grease... it gets ignored until the car breaks down in the middle of fucking nowhere, then you have to hitch a ride into town with Jedediah the Inbred Farm Freak.

9) It's 2009. If you still can't read my blog because you don't have a computer... then fuck you.



Last week I had a half-hour-long argument with my dad about what a flight of stairs consists of. Here's how it went. For seriously 30 minutes.

etc., etc.

The basis of the argument was that when you get furniture delivered, it costs $20/flight of stairs after the first two for buildings with no elevator. Which is fine. But I said that in my building there are 5 flights of stairs, my dad said no, there are only 2 and a half.


Fast forward to yesterday when the guys came to deliver my furniture.

Delivery dude: "It says on your form that there are 2 flights of stairs so there's no extra charge... but I count 5."

Me: "Uh, yeah. I had this huge argument with my father about what a flight of stairs actually is, and he just always wants to be right so I agreed with him to get him to stop telling me that I don't know as much as he does."

Delivery dude (laughing) "Oh... well, unfortunately we do have to charge you $60 for the 3 extra flights."

Me (shrugging) "Sure. I kinda figured. You know, since I knew I was right and everything."

Moral of the story:

Just because your parents have been around since black and white TV doesn't mean they know what the hell they're talking about.


where's the 'on' button....?

Whoops. So I haven't posted anything here for almost a month. Meh... blogging is so 2001.

Of course, you will receive an email (or phone call) shortly after from Mom/Dad/Grandma/etc. asking you what the fuck a flowchart is... and how one works.




goddamned dead grapes.

Raisins are fucking sick. If you still don't believe me, please click on the following image:


fairweather friends, and other annoyances.

First things first... cell phones. Now, there is no way I will ever get a land line again, but when you really think about it, cell phones are a pretty piss-poor alternative. The main reason being that they are more disposable than they ought to be. I honestly believe that every phone is sold with the battery already half dead, and that the SIM card is purposely attached to said half dead battery so that once it does die, you don't have the option of just purchasing a brand new battery, just an entirely new phone. That's pretty fucking sneaky. Just wait until I invent a chip that lets us communicate with eachother 'telepathically'.

Secondly. To you people out there who have uttered the following, "You wouldn't understand because you've never been married/had kids/owned a farm/killed a man/etc.": die. Seriously. Sure, I may not have first hand experience at everything in life, but I am also not a) blind, b)deaf, c)completely unobservant, or d)a moron. Give me the benefit of the doubt, because my observations/advice can sometimes be pretty goddamned helpful. But if there's a chance that you do not want my opinions because I can't possibly even relate to whatever it is that you're saying to me that's so important, then maybe I'm not the person you need to be talking to.
I'm just sayin'...

And now, the actual reason for this post...
people who haven't called, written, sent smoke signals, sent emails, texted, etc. in months and months (okay, I won't be that nice about it... it's been well over a fucking year), and then suddenly invite you to something like a birthday party. Or, for arguments' sake, let's say it's a stag/stagette party. And let's also just say that this little shindig falls on the same night as another shindig (let's make this one the 'hypothetical' birthday party) with people who run in the exact same social circle. Say you only want to go to the birthday party because it's for someone who actually calls you once in awhile.

Are you even following me still? Whatever, let me finish.

You go to the birthday party, then somewhere in between one of the stag party people shows up for a bit (remember, same social circle), and then leaves again, reminding you that they're at the Ship (ahhh... there goes 'hypothetical'...) and that they hope to see you later. Needless to say, after the birthday party, you just ditch everybody to go drinking at a dive bar with one of your most alcoholic (and unrelated to these other clowns) friends.

Are you sure you got all of that? Because it is pretty damned convoluted.

Anyway, I believe what I was getting at is this: why do people who essentially stop associating with you suddenly invite you to stuff, and fully expect you to say "Awesome! I'll totally be there!"? Are they just trying to rub it in your face somehow? Did they truly forget that they haven't actually spoken with you for well over a year? Do they just not have very many friends, so they have to resort to inviting people who may or may not even remember who they are? Then again, there are people who are going to tell me that perhaps they are making a genuine effort to revive the friendship... but I doubt that, because if they were, why wait for a specific occasion? There were plenty of other times when it might have looked much more sincere.




Repost from someone's Facebook note:

I got this email this morning as SPAM, normally I would just delete it but after taking the time to read it I thought I'd share it with you. For all you Band of Brothers fans and anyone who has had any family or friends serve in the military. I'd rather read about this than the recent celebrity deaths that have been all over the news / news papers / internet / radio . . .

One of the "Band of Brothers" soldiers died on June 17, 2009.

We're hearing a lot today about big splashy memorial services.

I want a nationwide memorial service for Darrell "Shifty" Powers.

Shifty volunteered for the airborne in WWII and served with Easy Company of
the 506th Parachute Infantry Regiment, part of the 101st Airborne Infantry.
If you've seen Band of Brothers on HBO or the History Channel, you know
Shifty. His character appears in all 10 episodes, and Shifty himself is
interviewed in several of them.

I met Shifty in the Philadelphia airport several years ago.
I didn't know who he was at the time. I just saw an elderly gentleman
having trouble reading his ticket. I offered to help, assured him that he
was at the right gate, and noticed the "Screaming Eagle", the
symbol of the 101st Airborne, on his hat.

Making conversation, I asked him if he'd been in the 101st Airborne or if
his son was serving. He said quietly that he had been in the 101st. I
thanked him for his service, then asked him when he served, and how many
jumps he made.

Quietly and humbly, he said "Well, I guess I signed up in 1941 or so, and
was in until sometime in 1945" at which point my heart skipped.

At that point, again, very humbly, he said "I made the 5 training jumps at
Toccoa, and then jumped into Normandy .. do you know where Normandy
is?" At this point my heart stopped.

I told him yes, I know exactly where Normandy was, and I know
what D-Day was. At that point he said "I also made a second jump
into Holland, into Arnhem." I was standing with a genuine war hero . . .
and then I realized that it was June, just after the anniversary of D-Day.

I asked Shifty if he was on his way back from France, and he said "Yes.
And it's real sad because these days so few of the guys are left, and those
that are, lots of them can't make the trip." My heart was in my throat and
I didn't know what to say.

I helped Shifty get onto the plane and then realized he was back in Coach,
while I was in First Class. I sent the flight attendant back to get him and
said that I wanted to switch seats. When Shifty came forward, I got up out
of the seat and told him I wanted him to have it, that I'd take his in coach.

He said "No, son, you enjoy that seat. Just knowing that there are still
some who remember what we did and still care enough to make an old man
very happy." His eyes were filling up as he said it. And mine are brimming
up now as I write this.

Shifty died on June 17 after fighting cancer.

There was no parade.

No big event in Staples Center.

No wall to wall back to back 24x7 news coverage.

No weeping fans on television.

And that's not right.

Let's give Shifty his own Memorial Service, online, in our own
quiet way.
Please forward this email to everyone you know. Especially to the

Rest in peace, Shifty.

"A nation without heroes is nothing."
Roberto Clemente



... that make me realize that my brain has been severely altered by the use of drugs over the years.

1) Short term memory: I don't have one. No, seriously. Unless I write it down, I won't remember in 5 minutes.

2) Some of my memories never actually happened in real life, but I can't tell the difference a lot of the time. Fuck.

3) Comments I make like this:

"The word 'epic' should only be used if the event actually WAS epic. I mean, unless you're at a party where suddenly it starts raining hot dogs and cherry-flavored jelly beans from the ceiling, and then half the people in the room turn into zombies, and the other half of the peoples' heads explode, then it is probably NOT epic."


is there a point to this?

No, no there isn't. It's just a video of a pug pushing around a stroller.


the one where i bitch about 'the greatest show on earth', or whatever the fuck the tagline is.

Guess what, today is the start of my MOST FAVOURITE ten days of all in Calgary.

Okay, no, they are not actually my most fave ten days.

Of course, I am speaking of Stampede. During these ten days, it's like hick/redneck paradise, and all the trash from surrounding villages comes out to play. During these ten days, I seriously have to wonder what possessed me to keep on living here. While I will admit that I have certain redneck tendencies (I can't help it, I was raised in Alberta, so some of that was bound to have a lasting effect on me), I generally shake my head at the goings on during Stampede. All it is to me is a bunch of drunks who, ostensibly, have been given an excuse to act like assholes during the work week. Not that it's necessarily that much different any other time of year (this is, after all, Calgary), but I think what makes it worse is that on top of the usual douchebaggery, everybody feels the need to dress up in fake cowboy gear and listen to bad country music. Especially the women. You know how Halloween is meant to be 'the only day of the year where any type of woman can dress like a whore and get away with it'? Well, here we just tack on ten extra days of that each year. If I didn't know any better, I'd think I lived in the world's biggest bordello with the way some of these women behave.

But I'm not saying that the rest of you shouldn't enjoy Stampede. Maybe what I am saying is that I pride myself on knowing better.



absentee blogger.

Welcome to the part of the year where I totally neglect my blog. Whatever.

So, while I kind of hate forms of exercise like yoga, tai chi (sp?), and pilates, at least I get why they can be used as forms of exercise (um... why does the word 'exercise' look so wrong to me right now even though I'm sure I'm spelling it correctly?). What I DON'T really get is this whole phenomenon of people doing pole dancing to get in shape. Okay, so I can see that it may require physical fitness and whatnot to do pole dancing, but to me it's just fucking skeezy (again... sp?).
To make things worse, there are people I actually know (not mentioning names, but people with KIDS even) that participate in this form of exercise. Whatever happened to just plain old going to the gym and pumping iron?

This may be so five years ago, but I still don't understand the appeal. I mean, these people tell me it's fun, but I think I would find it hard to tell someone with a straight face that I pole danced to keep in shape. It just comes across as a little bit trashy to me, and I think I'd rather stick to the classics... even if tai chi is kind of boring (dude, it is kung fu slowed down to a snail's crawl), and yoga is for hippies.



bad parenting 101

I posted this story on Twitter yesterday about a 4-year-old boy in the UK who flushed a tiny baby puppy down the crapper by accident.
I know, it sounds pretty funny, but it really isn't. First of all, just who in the fuck allows a 4-year-old to have a puppy anyway? And secondly, what goddamned 4-year-old is still stupid enough to think that they can wash a dog in the toilet?

When I was 4, I could already read. Not like Dostoevsky or anything, but at least Beatrix Potter and Dr. Seuss. My parents STILL didn't let me have a pet until I was 8.

I get that maybe parents want to try and teach their kids about responsibility when they're young, but how young is too young? I mean, there are 4-year-olds out there who aren't even toilet trained yet, and who can't formulate full sentences. Are there people who actually believe that they are able to be taught about responsibility? I think the kicker is that the little fucker went and blamed his brother for the mishap.

Now, I'm probably one to talk, having no kids of my own, but I have to say that no child has ever flushed a puppy down the shitter on my watch.



what? sorry... the battery in my hearing aid must have died...

I'm only part way through 32, and holy shit, but if I'm not already a grouchy old buzzard. When I was a few years younger (still in my twenties), I would often just shake off the antics of the youth of today, and I would give them the benefit of the doubt because, after all, I was young once. But these days, I scowl and frown, wish these kids would grow some kind of taste in music, shave their 'homeless poser beards', stop pretending that whatever low-rent form of employment they currently have is a real job (sometimes I wish for them to actually GET jobs), learn to drive already because it sucks to be in your 40s without a drivers' license... the list kind of just goes on and on. I'm equally as disenamoured of hippies as I am of hipsters (in a way, they are kind of the same thing... I think the key difference is that hipsters maybe shower one more time per month than hippies). It also really bothers me that so many kids nowadays choose to go straight into the workforce after high school instead of going into post secondary education (I'm not saying that after 7 years of college you will necessarily get a better job, but at least it might mean you will qualify for something more glamorous than working in a warehouse). Kids these days talk way too much, and never have anything important to say. They generally have bad manners, smoke too much weed, and don't tend to spend money on anything other than their wardrobes and cans of whatever beer is the cheapest (in this case it's Lucky, the champagne of the under 25 set).

Sigh. Maybe it's a sign of the times. Maybe someone should have written something like this for me to read when I was 20. All I know for sure is that I don't fucking get kids these days, and all they can really do for me is get the fuck off my lawn.*


* No, really. Get. The. Fuck. OFF. My. Lawn.


screw you, hippie.

The topic today is about going out to restaurants/the bar/in general when you're a hippie. Okay, so not just if you're a hippie, but if you're poor or on a budget.

Should you do it, or should you not do it?

My friend and I went out to the Ship yesterday for a burger and a couple of beer. No big deal, since we are both gainfully employed individuals. We sat at a table with a couple of hippies who were drinking beer. After awhile when they were done drinking, they put some money down on the table and took off. We had a look at what they had left, and it embarrassingly included a bunch of small change, notably pennies. Our waitress came and picked it up, and grumbled that at least they paid the tab, while we felt bad for her because we knew that she'd have tip out the rest of the staff out of her own pocket.

When you go out somewhere, you don't actually have to do anything. You sit at a table and the server brings you everything you ask for. What you are tipping for is their services. I would understand not tipping if you had to put your own beer or cook your own food at an establishment, but that's not the case. If all you can afford is to pay for your meal/beverage, then you are not really paying for anything at all... but believe it or not, there are still people who don't understand the concept of tipping. Having worked in the service industry when I was younger, I can say with a straight face that there isn't a lot of money in it. There is quite a significant reliance on the tips of patrons in order to pay the bills. If you really can't afford this gratuity, then you really need to stay home. It is possible to buy a case of beer and some food for under $20, and you don't need to tip anybody. Sure, it's not the same ambiance as sitting on a patio in the sunshine, while someone brings you your booze, and you don't have to eat KD right out of the pot on your sofa, but that ambiance is a luxury. If you can't afford to pay, fair and square, for that luxury, then you have no place on that restaurant/bar.

What do you think? Please weigh in if you can.


beer is the plural of beer.

I don't really drink all that much anymore, but I still have plenty to say about peoples' choices of beverage (don't I just always have plenty to say about everything?).

1) Those bottled coolers people are always drinking. Um, EW. You may as well just mix sugar and rubbing alcohol at that point, because that's pretty much how those taste. I've often wondered who actually tests these things before they go on the market.

2) Low-rent beer. I always get myself in a lot of shit over this one because I tend to drink Miller Genuine Draft when I can't decide what I want. To justify this, let me just say that if you've ever been at a party where your only beer choices were Budweiser or Labatt Blue, you'll totally know where I'm coming from. I get that MGD is not the Cadillac of beer, but it's not like it's Black Label either. Besides that, though, I am a well-known beer snob. I very rarely drink non-imported beer, and even amongst those choices I am fairly picky.

3) Jagermeister. Seriously, if you're going to buy me a shooter, make it straight up Wild Turkey or Jack Daniels. Jager is not only fucking repulsive, but it is a German stomach tonic. Might as well drink Buckley's cough syrup.

4) Lime juice. Not like taking the lime wedge and squishing it over your drink, but the actual lime juice from the guns. Yuck. I really don't get why anybody in their right mind ever adds it to anything, because that's a great way to ruin what could have been an okay drink.



what do you think?

So, a lot of people seem to think ferrets are good pets. Okay, so here is a picture of some baby ones in a glass:

Sure, so they're kinda cute. But... BUT... ferrets are also known as weasels. And weasels are normally categorized along with rats, squirrels, etc. as being pests.
I guess what I really want to know was when this practice of domesticating such creatures to keep as pets started. I mean, when did someone first pick up a large sewer rat and go "aw, what a great little companion this would make"???
I, personally, prefer traditional pets like dogs, cats, birds, and hamsters (yeah, so hamsters are rodents, but I had one as a toddler so I'm a bit biased). That's just how some of us are. What's your take on keeping critters such as ferrets and rats as pets in the home?



Um... glory hole anyone?
Haha... ugh.



i have a feeling...

... that there are people who will NEVER realize just how loud they talk until someone makes a recording and plays it back to them. A good rule to go by is that if you can hear yourself but not anybody else, you probably talk too fucking loudly.

cop out post: hot dogs are my fave.



why i'm a bad friend, and not the same thing, part 5.

To be honest, I'm not the greatest friend ever. I don't mean that in the sense that I'm never there to help out when asked, or that I don't have the backs of my friends when someone threatens to dishonor them, but more in the way that I am that friend who really only appeals to a very specific sort of person. I'm kind of a jerk unless I'm around people like myself.

I know, right? You hate people like me; people with very few social graces. In fact, I hate people like me, because who really likes an asshole? I'm not sure what makes me this way, but I suspect that it's my relatively short attention span. I'm very bad at being invited to things where I am stuck being in one location for longer than 4 hours (I am a horrible dinner party guest, and usually take off right after dessert). I'm even worse at group activities where I am forced to mingle with the 'other' friends (this is not really my fault, though, because there is a reason that you are NEVER to let your separate groups of friends mingle), because I ALWAYS seem to find that one person I just can't see eye-to-eye with on anything within the first 5 seconds, and end up arguing with that person the whole time. I have trouble dealing with anybody as stubborn as myself, anybody who I have concluded is too stupid to bother conversing with, people who give me the vibe that they think they are better than I am, people who wear their political affiliations on their sleeves (I don't do politics), people who try to use religion as a common ground (I'm non-religious), and it all usually ends with me sitting in a corner drinking beer all by myself. To add insult to injury, I ALSO am that friend who promises to attend this or that, then unceremoniously bails on the day of the event because there's something else she'd rather do. Folks, it appears I am THAT friend. For the most part, it doesn't affect me in a negative way. I am fortunate enough to have a group of friends who are smart and independent, and we don't really rely on eachother for anything but the occasional get-together for a few drinks and a bite to eat, paired with meaningful (or not at all) conversation. So maybe there's no real harm done, since the stereotypical 'bad friend' probably doesn't even register in my social circle. But just in case, I am a GOOD friend because I will probably punch someone in the face for you (loyal), I eat meat (okay to invite over for a meal because I'm not one of those picky fuckers), I have a car (I can help you move... but ask first, don't assume), I always smell really nice (everybody likes a friend with good personal hygiene), and I have good hair. I'm not sure why having good hair would make me a good friend, but I assure you that it does. Trust me.


Not the same thing (part 5):



You know, just in case there was ever any confusion. I can't really imagine why there would be.



parents are good at one thing...

So, you all know that I'm holed up in my folks' basement while I shop around for condos/houses to buy. It's really not a bad deal all in all... the free dog-sitting is nice, and also the not-currently-having-bills-to-pay-other-than-car-related thing.
But what IS it about parents and food? By that I mean that parents ALWAYS seem to think you are starving/not eating enough/not eating the right things/just not interested in food. Mine are like that, anyway. Seriously, half the time I enter my mom's frame of view, she hands me a banana. "You need to eat this" she says. Um... okay. Random banana that I just 'need' to eat. In fact, having them around means that I am pretty much 'not allowed' to skip meals (it's easier at lunch time because I'm usually at work, so they'll never know whether or not I actually consumed anything). And after meals, they are always handing me some sort of fruit, like I'm not already full from the lasagna or meatloaf I just had a large plate of. On top of that my folks seem to think I'm starving, they always make comments about how I maybe could stand to lose a couple of pounds.

Oh. Okay...


Let me get this straight... you think I am malnourished, and yet I need to lose weight?

So, you see why I really need to find a great place to live sooner than later. Parents are awesome, but the one thing they really seem to excel at is making us fat.



Please click on the image below to enlarge it. I think it's pretty much the most important thing you'll do today. Well, maybe not THE most, but I guarantee it might be one of them. Okay, so I guarantee nothing. Just click on the fucking thing already.


not the same thing, part 4.

I may as well get this one out of the way now.

VEGAN cupcakes:


REGULAR cupcakes:

Okay, so I didn't bother to include an actual picture of a vegan cupcake, since it looks pretty much EXACTLY like a regular cupcake. Looks, however, are the beginning and the end of the similarity... because vegan cupcakes taste like fucking dog food.
And I mean that to be as though I know what dog food tastes like (I don't know). And by that, I mean that vegan cupcakes are a nasty, nasty deception. Yes, I get that not everybody wants to or can partake in animal-based products, but the main reason that real cupcakes taste so good has to do with one ingredient that is completely absent for their animal-friendly counterparts. Butter. Yep. Take the butter out of the equation and it tastes like sugary cardboard dog food. So don't be fooled by their good looks, vegan cupcakes are exactly how they sound. Disgusting.


(alien cupcake pic courtesy Natalie Dee: http://www.nataliedee.com/)


not the same thing, part 3.


Well, okay, so technically they're one and the same... but shit, son. That's some bad aging right there.


newest fave twitter 'fail' page...

For serious? Weirdo talking ice cream cone with useless/perchance mute caterpillar sidekick? Fuck, yes.


not the same thing, part 2.


I had these two roommates who would constantly confuse the two. In hindsight, I think they were doing it on purpose to piss me off. Assholes.

not the same thing, part 1.

These are NOT the same thing:




Any questions? Yeah, didn't think so.


important things to know.

'I saw' NOT 'I seen'.

'I used to do...' NOT 'I use to do...'.

People who use UR in lieu of your/you're (and I'm talking outside of text messaging here... these people actually write in-office emails this way) only do so because they have NO IDEA which one they're supposed to use.

No, it is not EYE-talian. It never is.

If you're not sure how to pronounce something, ask first.

No, you may not listen to your iPod through earphones while driving a car.

Wearing a smaller shoe won't actually make your foot smaller. Just accept that you are a woman with size 10 feet already.

'I' before 'E', except after 'C' doesn't actually work in all cases (for example, 'WEIRD').

Ordering a diet coke with your double Big Mac meal doesn't make it healthier for you to eat.

No, you cannot still call yourself a vegetarian if you eat fish.

I don't trust anybody over the age of 25 who still doesn't own a dictionary.



i don't want bobby learning about fishes what grow legs, or gays.

Evolution classes optional under proposed Alberta law

Okay... while I am admittedly at times NOT the most liberal-minded person on Earth, I think this is stupid. I get that parents would ideally like their kids to grow up with their exact set of beliefs and principles, but to have the ability to deny them knowledge about topics as common as religion, and the theory of evolution? Please. I was a kid once, and I didn't really have a choice where learning about these things was concerned. When I grew older, I made up my own mind about everything that had been taught to me over the years, and either accepted it or called bullshit. The point is, kids will grow up to be whoever they are going to be eventually. There is very little parents can do to control that (outside of locking them in a basement closet, and feeding them minimally on water and gruel), so let them learn something. I obviously didn't agree with everything I learned over the course of my education with the Catholic School system, but at least learning about it allowed me to make up my mind WHY I didn't agree with it, rather than having my parents say "We don't believe in this stuff, you don't get to hear about it". Yes, religion is mostly smokescreens and snake oil, in my opinion, but that doesn't mean kids shouldn't learn about it first. And to those parents who want this bill to pass, give your heads a shake... or just fucking pull your kids out of the school system altogether and start the new Jonestown. You know you wanna.


swine flu.

So, I think the general consensus amongst my friends is that this Swine Flu business is mostly just a mass overreaction, somewhere in the vein of West Nile Virus and SARS (remember SARS? And how everytime a Chinese person would cough or sneeze on the bus, everyone would get off at the next stop?). Anyway, one friend suggested that it seems pretty undignified to die of something called 'Swine Flu'. Totally. You may as well be dying of dehydration from the runs at that point. He thought 'Bacon Fever' sounded better. And tastier. And I agree.



what the fuck is wrong with you people anyway?

Gratitude. Apparently it's not something that people can be taught to have, and I tend to get bent out of shape about it. When someone does something for you, no matter how grudgingly it is done, or even if they are just doing it to not seem like 'that asshole who didn't even bother', you should just suck it up and be grateful that they did whatever it was for you at all. I'm not even joking. If I go out of my way to do something for you, appreciate it. I could have just as easily not bothered, and then where would you be? When someone feels unappreciated, the likelihood of them ever wanting to do anything for you (no matter how small or insignificant a thing) is not very high. For instance, if I go through trouble to show up at your stupid, out-of-town bachelorette party for a night (where I end up sleeping on a COUCH), do NOT get mad when I have to leave early the next day and ask "what's so important that you have to do on a Sunday anyway?". Show me some fucking gratitude because I came to a 'party' where all anyone did was talk about babies all night. That is a lot for me to put up with.

So yeah... gratitude. Grow some already.


friday twitter convo.

>Problem solved. Hot chocolate mix in the office cabinet. Had to choose between "Hazelnut Passion" and "Chocolate Embrace".


>I know. Sounds like a romance novel or porno.

>Seriously awful blaxploitation porno, at that.

>"Chocolate Embrace" with Pam Grier as Sexy Maid and William H. Marshall as Blacula. Sexy chocolate blood sucking.

>Great, now I'm thinking about Coming to America and the band Sexual Chocolate. I fucking love Eddie Murphy and Arsenio Hall together.

>Eddie Murphy and Arsenio Hall in 'Chocolate Embrace'...?

>Oooooh...you just blew my mind like Arsenio blows Eddie in that awesome pretend movie.

>HAHA! Methinks Mr. Murphy and Mr. Hall owe us some dough for 'pretend resurrecting' their careers...


son of a...

I did my taxes. I didn't buy any RSPs (or RRSPs, or whatever they're called... I'm not one of those financial dudes), so let me tell you that my tax return was... AWESOME. And by awesome, I mean it was retarded. It was under $20. In fact, it was even under $18. Yep, the joys of being in a higher tax bracket this year. I figure that if I wanted a return of over $100, I would have had to contribute at least $23,000 to RRSPs.
Um... no thanks. I have enough trouble eating properly.

But that's no the point I want to get across today. Today I want to talk about my concern for the 'white bunnies' (well, they're actually jack rabbits or hares, I'm told). They hop around all winter, hidden by the snow, but in the spring time their fur changes color to blend them into their surroundings. Sorry this sounds like a grade 2 science class, but stay with me. This year, we had basically a 6 month long winter, so the bunnies are already brown... and last night it snowed again.

Let me show you my cause for concern (please click on the diagrams to make them bigger, so you can read the text):

Figure 1:

As you can see (or can't see, in the case of this beautifully rendered, and highly scientific diagram), the bunny is perfectly camouflaged against the snow.

Figure 2:

Now you can see that the bunny thought spring had come and decided he was going to turn brown (again... not sure that they actually 'decide' to do this, or if they're just on some kind of timer). Then it decided to snow again. Those are large, carnivorous birds eyeing him from up above.

Basically, I am worried that those birds are going to eat the bunnies.
That's kind of it.



is it still a stagette party...

... when people bring babies?

The reason I'm writing about this here is because this blog is mostly anonymous, and only really accessible to people who follow me on Twitter.

We all know how I feel about stagette parties in general... so now you all get to hear about the one I was recently invited to. Firstly, it is not in town. In fact, it is about 2.5 hours out of town, kind of in the middle of the province at a cabin. Secondly, they rented a hot tub and are now soliciting $25 a person to help pay for it. Okay, that's great and all, but I also have to pay for gas to get there and back... AND bring my own booze, AND bring a sleeping bag/air mattress/pillow/etc. because there are not enough beds for everyone at this cabin, and some of us will undoubtedly have to sleep on the floor. Dude... this is starting to seem like a lot to ask, but I guess that's not up to me. Sigh. Thirdly... three people are bringing babies.

Alright... hold the phone, there. Babies? And not like toddlers or anything, but full on babies, with the crying all night and shit. This is where I have to draw the line, I'm afraid. It's one thing to have to go on some overpriced camping-type expedition for someone's bachelorette party, but it's something totally else to have to put up with screaming infants for an entire weekend. Yes, I'm thirty-something, but I am still one of those people who honestly doesn't 'get' babies. I don't mind being around them... so long as I don't have to carry them, change their diapers, or any of the myriad things one has to do when dealing with babies. I like my child-free life where I can go to bed whenever I want, turn up the volume on the stereo when the mood strikes, and not have to fret about how the fuck I am one day going to be able to come up with the money to send my offspring to college. That is all besides the point, though. What I'm getting to is that a stagette/bachelorette weekend is no place for babies, and if everybody else thinks I'm mistaken, then I think I'll sit this one out. I'd rather sleep in my own bed, in silence.


texting and driving.

Basically, you are a huge fucking moron if you think you can 'multitask' by text messaging someone on your phone at the same time as you are operating a motor vehicle.

What the hell is wrong with you? This morning (while I was driving my lovely and sort of crappy rental car, no less), there was this girl driving in the lane next to me who was texting someone. Needless to say, she wasn't watching the road. I was going to take a picture of it with my cellphone, but THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN GODDAMNED STUPID.
Instead, I honked the horn, and it startled her, causing her car to swerve a bit. Luckily she was far enough away from me and the other cars so she didn't hit anything.
Yeah, so that was sort of a dangerous stunt, but I wanted to prove a point. So, did I? Nope. After that happened, she went right back to looking at her phone.

Who are you people, and why are you still allowed to drive?
I hope your car flips over on the highway.


we tweet all day long.

Seriously, these days the best conversations are started on Twitter.

@squidpod Yep. A big thumbs down to Rock Band. Sorry all who like it... just learn to play real instruments already. Even if it's bagpipes.

squidpod@missvoltage Although I totally would buy an all bag-pipe game...

missvoltage@squidpod Haha! But I guess it would be more like wii fit than a music game...? w/ the main objective being to increase your lung capacity.

squidpodNote to self invent "Bag-Pipe Hero"

NotoriousSUZ@squidpod should be sold in a combo back with Didgerid-ero

missvoltage@NotoriousSUZ @squidpod BAGPIPE HERO w/ didgeridoo extension pack. Brilliant. Would be a good drinking game, I'm guessing.

Business as usual.


i don't have to do anything.

I would post a video that my friend took on my cell phone of me 'snowboarding' (in quotes because I just learned how on Saturday after two failed attempts from years ago), but I'm the asshole who lost the Bluetooth chip for my phone... so everything is basically stuck on there and I can't get it off. Typical. But anyway, that's how I spent my weekend. I didn't even have any epic bails or anything, which probably means I'm getting slightly better at sports. Frightening.

Anyway... the Monday Hate-on.

1) Okay, this isn't something I 'hate' per se, just something I'm worried about. You know (well, for those of you who live in the Cowtown) those bunnies (or maybe they're jackrabbits? Hares?) that are all over the place that are brown in summer and turn white in winter (the ones I'm always saying 'OMG, WHITE BUNNIES!!!' about)?

Well, we've had a really long and snowy winter, but now it is technically spring.
The bunnies turn white in winter so they won't be easily caught by predators since they are camouflaged by the snow... but I noticed today that they are already starting to turn brown due to it no longer actually being winter... but there is still so much snow on the ground. Does this mean they're going to get eaten by stuff??? Ugh, I hope not.

2) I hate insurance companies. All of them. And I probably don't care much for people who sell insurance either!

3) My working hours are 8 to 4. Everyday. No, I will not adjust them just because I am doing work for some scientist or other who flat-out refuses to come into work before 10:30. Fuck that- I'm by no means a morning person, but I force myself to be at my job at an ungodly hour just because who the hell wants to still be at work at 6? Maybe someday these people might want to try working on MY schedule.

That's it, that's all. And here is your cool link of the day:

This picture was made using the contents of an old cassette tape.
Click here to see more.


parking lesson... with diagrams!

If you already now how to properly park a car in a parking lot stall, then just ignore this altogether. Or maybe don't... it's sort of worth it for the crappy Microsoft Paint diagrams. I suck at drawing with a mouse.

Click on the pics if you can't read the text... I am also apparently bad at judging what text size is legible to most people.


the monday hate-on.

Welcome to the first installment of 'The Monday Hate-on', a list of random complaints, dished out in my typically acerbic manner. Feel free to post angry comments... I'll feel just as free to delete them if I don't like them :)

1) Don't you hate it when you go to Starbucks (or any similarly-styled coffee house), tell your order to the barista/cashier person, then they go and repeat to you what is essentially your order... but substituting all your words with snobby, coffee-house lingo? It's like, fuck you, I don't care for all your dumb, made-up words for things as simple as 'water', 'foam', or 'large'. If I mean I want a 'large' sized beverage, that's EXACTLY what I mean. Now make my drink, and it had better not be lukewarm, or you are so not getting a tip.

2) Why is most peoples' first course of action to phone me in a panic when they can't figure something out? This is especially a piss-off when I agree to drop whatever it is I am doing to help them... only to arrive on the scene to find that, in the mean time, they have found a solution to their problem, and no longer require my help. So... JUST WHY IN THE HELL COULDN'T YOU HAVE PHONED ME RIGHT AFTER YOU FIGURED IT OUT? I think people just like wasting my time.

3) If you're not sure how to pronounce something, for God's sakes, don't say it out loud. No, really, trust me on this one. It will save you a world of embarrassment and ridicule. Like those idiot girls at 7-11 on Saturday... I think they meant TAQUITOS... but they kept saying TOSQUITOS. What the fuck? Where are you getting that from? They're so lucky I didn't pick a fight over it.


4) I'm starting to get increasingly angry about people not having drivers' licenses when they are older than 21. I am especially annoyed by it when these people start complaining that it takes them 'forever' to get around on the bus. I mean, seriously. Seriously? It's not hard to drive a car. REALLY not hard. It's also not that hard to get a license to drive one... most of us passed the test in 1-2 tries.
Don't complain about the slowness of public transportation if you can't even be bothered to learn how to drive. The rest of us consider you a special kind of stupid.

5) Stop asking me if this is my natural hair color. It's not. In fact, it's a custom color created for me by my hairstylist (it's called 'Veronica Lodge'... that's right, it has a name). Just so you know, I think that people who actually believe that jet or blue black hair exists in nature are complete morons. Just so you know.

6) If you're someone who likes to shake hands with people, can you at least wash your hands? I can't stand poor hygiene in general... but the worst is people who don't consider hand washing all that important. Also, I guess I have enough trust issues that I have trouble believing that MOST people wash their hands often enough at all. Don't feel insulted if I won't shake your hand... I just don't want to catch 'hand herpes' or whatever kind of sickness that you might be choosing to share with me.




Now here's a book that's right up my alley:

Make the Bible Work for You

Can't wait to get to the part where it justifies me doing asshole things to my shitty neighbors. I wonder if that includes digging a moat around their house and filling it with alligators.


if i had a $100. oh wait... i do.

V. Cool article from March 7th found on the Opinion page of nytimes.com

For Sale: The $100 House


oh rad.

My friend posted this on Twitter today, and I figured I'd stick it on here too... it's really too insane to not post:

YouTube... Mixed!

No, really, click. This is something way cooler than you'll ever be able to do.


coral reef.

Found on Boing Boing:

Amadee Coral Reef New Caledonia in New Caledonia

don't lie, you can't read.

Things that people think are gross that are actually good:

1) Kimchi

2) Sashimi

3) Hot dogs (yeah, yeah, they're made of the 'leftovers'... but who cares?)

4) Dried, seasoned seaweed

5) Quail eggs

6) Escargot

7) Pork rinds

8) Corned beef in a can (no, really, fry it up with some potatoes)

9) Pickled eggs

Things that people think are good that are actually gross:

1) Vegan cupcakes (sorry, but my sources- and experiences- tell me that it's eggs and butter that make these babies taste good)

2) Sweet and sour pork (again, something made of 'leftovers'... but to me, 'rubbery' and 'gristly' are two textures that I just can't stomach)

3) Half-cooked bacon (bacon is supposed to be crispy, not wiggly. Ewwwww... 'wiggly'...)

4) Um... I think that's it. Whatever else I was going to put on this list is probably stuff that people think is gross... and actually is gross.


make it stop.

Or not. I can't decide if these people have entirely too much time on their hands... or they're really kinda rad (albeit, sort of scary).

waste & tragedy.

I was sort of impressed at first watching this video... and then I was concerned, and then I was just downright upset at the blatant lack of concern for the environment displayed... and then I got over it and went back to being impressed. Who NEEDS a garburator anyway???



I saw a picture of these little goat guys in National Geographic, climbing trees in Morocco. It looks like a joke, but read about them here:

Goats in Trees?

And now watch a video of them:

um... yuck?

I hope this is real... or maybe not really. It's pretty disgusting.
The grossest thing I've ever eaten is a peanut butter and eggplant sandwich. Yep... just as sick as it sounds.


life on mars?

I think now everybody knows that I want one of these. A friend of mine up actually does own one... but sadly won't let me have it. I did offer him money for it, but he refused. I don't blame him; these turntables are a really great addition to a living space (if you're into the whole vintage thing, or just have really strange taste in decor... I'm the latter). Anyway, the model is the Circadome and it was manufactured in the 70s by Electrohome (Canadian company). You will be my best friend if you successfully track one down for me (bonus points if you purchase it... don't worry, I will pay you back!).