so, how lucky do you feel...?

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about where I am in life, and about whether or not it is a satisfactory place to be. And guess, what, for the most part it is. I live a fairly average life, but a good life, nonetheless. I probably could stand to make a few bucks more than I do (seriously, my tastes are just a tad more expensive than my salary allows for), be in a little better shape, be more friendly to people, take better care of my car, clean my house more, live in a city I like a bit more, blah blah, etc., but let's face it, my life is far from terrible. I'm not starving, I can pay all the bills on time, the dog is fed, the car is always full of gas. And yet, some of the people in my life try to tell me that somehow all of this is not enough. They constantly badger me about things like why I don't date, and remind me that I'm almost 35 so if I want kids, I should somehow force myself to have them.

Okay... what now? I have known since I was very young that life doesn't always work out the way you want it to. Do I sometimes feel left out- at almost 34 years of age- that almost all of my close friends are either married or in relationships that will result in marriage? Sometimes. Do I feel the need to have children at some point? Well, it would be nice, I suppose. But the way my life has played out, I have already accepted that neither of these things may ever be a reality for me. I can shoulder most of the blame for that, because I made some extremely questionable choices over the years; the types of choices I ultimately knew I'd end up paying for.
So, I totally resent people I know constantly rubbing their relationships and children in face, like it's some kind of trophy, and in the race to be awesome, I am coming in dead fucking last. I know they mostly mean well, but I just wish they understood that not everybody needs that sort of life to be okay. Throughout my life, I never got my hopes up that certain things would or wouldn't happen. Sure, you do have a certain degree of control, but occasionally things happen that totally derail you. You could stay derailed for life, or you could dust yourself off and say "life, it fucking sucks you did that to me, but I'll be okay". Do I think I might have been one of those happily married people with two kids? Oh, probably. In a way, though, I'm glad that I'm not. There are still so many things I need to accomplish, and I kind of feel that in order for any of it to happen, I cannot be bogged down with a relationship and mouths to feed. And I am not saying that sort of lifestyle is any less of an adventure; you guys are lucky to have your own families, and I will always somewhat envy that. But I feel really lucky, too. I haven't always had it easy, but it's been a mostly fun life so far, and full of some pretty awesome people, places, and times. I'm lucky to know what I know, and to also still have a nice, long road ahead of me. So, no regrets. It's go time.

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