black sheep

No big secret, I've always been the black sheep of the family. I grew up in this bizarre, upper middle class, well-rounded sort of way that always fit me awkwardly. I've generally gone through life trying to make everybody around me happy, trying to somehow make my family proud of me. But they've never been proud of me, as I usually fuck up everything I do. Even now that I have a well-paying 'career' (albeit, one that I've grown to dislike), they STILL aren't proud of me. They never asked me anything about my job back in the years when I actually enjoyed doing it, and now that I'm actively looking for something else, they tell me that I'm not seeing the big picture, and that I shouldn't be so ungrateful because not everybody gets 'handed' a career.

Sigh... okay, so here's the big thing I've been sitting on for years, and pretty much the only thing I have lied about to all of you... I didn't really fucking finish university.


Um... yeah. I've been fucking lying about it this whole time, and I feel like such a goddamned fraud.

Got a lot of the way through... but ended up dropping out because I was a really screwed up person at the time, and also a raging alcoholic. I really apologize that you guys need to read about this on the internet, because I should have just levelled with you to begin with. If I lose your respect and friendship, I deserve and accept it. I won't ask for your forgiveness... I'll just move on with the life I may have now just destroyed via my stupid blog.

I did finish a broadcasting diploma, but I let too much time slide between the point I graduated to the point where I should have been trying to look for work... and now, 10 years later, I am no longer employable in the industry.

I'm just one of those people for whom the world is a really big place, and the thought of getting tied down to any one thing for the rest of my life scares the hell out of me. For all I've tried to meet the expectations that everyone has of me, I can't. I know I'm supposed to want the sort of life where I live in this big house, and marry an engineer (or something equally as mundane), and have kids, and I don't have to worry about how the bills are going to get paid, and everything is awesome... but I don't want that. The closer it's seemed to get, the more I want absolutely nothing to do with it. And I mean no disrespect to those of you I know who do want that; I think it's a good way of life... for someone else.

I'm not happy unless I can do as I please. I'd like to start drawing again. Play more music. Listen to more music. Start my own shitty business. Drink with my friends (the ones I have left after this fucking rant). Dress up only when I feel like it. Get all those tattoos that I've been saving up for. Go back to Hawaii. Go to other places I haven't been yet. Go to those places with someone who hasn't been to them either. Go back to school. Learn how to do more things. Keep learning how to do things. Just keep being me. The real me.

One of the most fantastic people I have ever known- fantastic for the reason of having stuck it out as my friend for the past 5 years, and never having judged me even through the times when I was a horrible person to him- recently said something to me that I've really taken to heart:

"People say to never regret anything, but I say to use regrets as a focus to change the things you want to change... if you do that, it can spur you to do things you never would have done instead of always beating yourself up about the stuff you never did."

Best advice ever. From one black sheep to another. I could waste the rest of my life worrying about what you all think about me now... but I'm not going to. I have a lot of shit to figure out, a lot of my life left to live.

I'll see you out there... because there's no way in hell I'm staying in here forever.



Susie said...

No judgement, just love. What a huge thing to confess, good for you!f

missvoltage said...

Thanks. I just had to finally say something... even though I feel shitty about it being over the internets.

Susie said...

Whatever, people who are your friends won't really care. And if they do care, well, you know how the saying goes...

Anonymous said...

university is over-rated, it's the next bubble after the housing market crash in the US.

You're not a black sheep, we all are!!