get up in the morning, give it your all

Basically, in 2009 and 2010 I was the worst friend ever. No, really, I was. But you know that. You were probably ditched or bailed on by me on various occasions, and to be honest, I didn't have a good excuse or reason. I was just being shitty.

This year, though, I've really been trying to get over myself finally. I kind of thought I had gotten over myself a couple years ago... but that was sort of bullshit. It's tough, for sure. Still, I'm getting a little better about not bailing on people. I have a hard time making and sticking to plans because I've never not been spontaneous... but I'm definitely getting better at it.

I spent the bulk of 2009-2010 hating being in this city. At that point, I really wanted out. For like the 254796th time. What I came to realize at the start of this year is that it wasn't the city I hated- it was the direction my life had taken. You know that saying 'Not all who wander are lost'? It's true sometimes, but not for me. I was lost. Somewhere along the way, I turned into someone unfamiliar. My family, of course, was ecstatic because they don't understand who I am... they just figured I was becoming responsible, and getting my shit together. But I looked at myself in the mirror on the daily and was like, 'How the fuck did I even get here?'. And suddenly, I realized that I couldn't do it anymore. I can't do it anymore. I've dedicated a large chunk of my life to trying to keep everyone around me happy. I can't escape that; it's in my framework, much the way other things like loving difficult people, and having commitment issues are. But now, more than ever, I realize that you can't please everyone all the time. It just isn't possible. And when you focus too much on that, you lose the real focus which is yourself. I mean, do I love my family? Hells yeah. But I'm so done with trying to be the kind of person that they want me to be. As much as I want to be sorry about how much of a disappointment it must be to them, I'm not. Do I regret pretending for so long? Yeah, for sure. But even though there's now a lot of uncertainty about the direction my life will take in the next couple of years, I'm starting to feel like myself again for the first time in a long time. I can totally look in the mirror now and not see a complete stranger staring back.

The most obvious sign of it is that recently I've been a hell of a lot more appreciative of my friends. Spending time with them instead of pretending I have something better to do with my time, but in reality just sitting alone in my apartment watching shit TV, and feeling sorry for myself. In particular, the friends who have seen me through the last half decade... because it's been a motherfucking journey and a half. You guys have always been the least judgemental of me, and I have been pretty terrible to you at times. But you've always known that I'm better than that, and I guess what I'm saying is that your belief in me has really helped me to transcend all of the bullshit and actually believe in myself again.

So yeah... 2011 has proven to be a rough year on many counts, and if I'm being honest, because of it a lot of shit is sort of hanging in the balance. But that's actually more of a blessing than a curse. It's up to me to take it to the next level, deal with my shit, and just be me from here on out. A better me. The best me, even. Thanks for hanging in there with me, guys. I'm more fucking grateful for that than you'll ever know.


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