dirtbag life

Ah, blog. How I've missed you. I know I don't update this thing much, but every once in awhile I have something to say that no one gives a shit about, so it's always good to have.

Lately, I'm kind of a train wreck. I'm saying this in comparison to last year, when I was at my best. This year started off okay, but it's been a shaky one for sure. Particularly throughout the summer. I've been trying to stay in shape, but recently I think my weight loss may have more to do with not eating properly and binge alcoholism than actually training for anything. I still run, but not seriously. In fact, I'm in my own head about a ton of things these days, and it comes across as that I'm a little all over the place right now; erratic and non-committal.

One good thing is that I'm definitely forging stronger relationships with certain people- being a little better at not falling off the face of the Earth for long periods of time and not telling anyone where I've gone. I'm also taking the time to evaluate the role of certain others in my life- people who I might be ready to move on from. But I think the major shift in me of late has more to do with the realization that I may be getting too comfortable, too settled into a routine. And even though it may seem to everyone like that's a good thing... I see it more as that I'm starting to lose who I am. And I'm aware that that's what is truly at the heart of all of this 'running rad in the streets' business that has been going on with me over the past little while. You'd assume that with everybody settling down around me it would seem logical for me to do the same... and hell yeah, it might be nice to settle down someday, but I've given it a lot of serious thought over the past week or so, and there's just something deep down that tells me it is not the time... so it seems that I've got some hard choices to make. This all sounds so melodramatic, but I've got to make sure that I don't let the person I truly am slip away in the interest of making everybody else around me happy. Because that would be easy, but you can't please everyone all the time.

It's weird how one conversation can change everything so drastically. A couple of months ago I sort of thought I knew what I wanted... and then just a little over a week ago, it all came unravelled in one night. Sometimes you make the strongest connections with the most unexpected people. People who make you take a better look around. And I guess that I'm just not ready to give up my dirtbag ways. I'll never be ready to conform to the masses. I'm the kind of girl who just wants what she wants, when she wants it. I can't be bought, told, coaxed, or convinced. I won't always make the best choices. In fact, I know I still have a lot of fucking up to do... but it's not a bad thing. It's what keeps my heart beating.

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