the world has turned and left me here

Sometimes you just run out of everything.

Sleep. Food. Clean clothes. Steam. Patience. Time.

Life's a little hectic right now. A lot of stuff has happened in the last few months, and I'm kind of just waiting for it to slow down. Or stop. Or something.
I feel like I'm in my head about a lot of things, but also sort of all over the place. I'm trying to keep everybody in my life as happy as I possibly can, but I'm spreading myself pretty thin doing it. I sleep too much. I sleep too little. I drink too much coffee. I drink too much alcohol. I wake up late. I wake up in the middle of the night. I make commitments I don't know how to keep. I make choices that complicate things. I over-analyze everything. I don't analyze things enough. I'm too good of a friend. I'm a terrible friend. I'm too intense. I'm too distant. I say all the wrong things. I come on too strong. I'm not decisive enough.

And I'm starting to run on fumes. I'm tired of trying to be everything to everyone and failing. I can only be who I am, whether or not every single person in my life is happy with who that is. I've spent the last ten fucking years of my life doing all that I can to try and become what I thought I wanted to become, only to realize this year that I've been very, very wrong about it. I don't want to sit around at a job that doesn't satisfy me just for a paycheque that doesn't even make me that happy anymore. I just want to get out there and have a fantastic life. I know. That's it. Underwhelming, considering that a full decade has gone by. And I realize that the revelation is probably a huge letdown to a lot of people. What can I say? I want to say I'm sorry that I couldn't live up to what all you guys wanted for me... but the thing is that I'm not really sorry at all. Not about not wanting this so-called life I've created for myself. I am, however, sorry about a myriad of other things.

I'm sorry I haven't been a better friend to those who have stuck by me over the years.

I'm sorry for making knee-jerk decisions that have hurt people that I love.

I'm sorry for acting like I've had better things to do with my time when I really haven't.

I'm sorry for leading you astray.

I'm sorry for leading you on.

I'm sorry for not loving you enough.

I'm sorry for loving you too much.

Basically, what you are looking at now is the bare bones of what I am and what I'm going to become. All that's left. But what's left is what's still good about me. I didn't like the kind of person I was becoming, but now I don't have to become that person anymore. I haven't felt this free in a long time.

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